Rebuilding Us: Christian Marriage Advice for Couples

  A mom of eight children and married for 18 years, our guest, author Hallie Lord, was stunned when her marriage fell apart. Listen as Hallie shares very vulnerably the unexpected dramatic change she encountered in her marriage and teaches us about how to unearth treasure and make peace with the unfinished work in our lives. This conversation was so rich. I know it is going to encourage many of you who feel stuck in your lives, those who are on the precipice of a difficult decision, and those reeling from a life that fell or is falling apart.   When Playing it Safe Keeps You Miserable Hallie’s recent book, Falling Home: Creating   Life that Catches You When You Fall, is a deep dive into the unfamiliar, unchartered undercurrent of what happens when life falls apart. Often, when we face moments like this, we are tempted to play it safe and cling to what’s familiar. Hallie can relate, and thought back to when she operated in this mode. She writes, “It was better to remain safe, even if safety meant misery. At least I’d be alive.” How many of you have felt like this? I know I’m being hurt, but it’s not as bad as it could be. I know I should demand better, but at least I’m not alone.   Too many people are stuck in miserable relationships because it’s familiar. It’s all they know. It’s much harder to step outside of what’s familiar, but playing it safe is often the wrong move.   The Value of Premarital Coaching Hallie encourages everyone who’s thinking about getting married to go to premarital counseling or premarital coaching. We all bring patterns, habits, and dysfunction into our marriages, and premarital coaching can help to shine a light on these potential problems and patterns we inherit from our families of origin. I, personally, will not marry a couple if they have not gone through some sort of premarital work. As a relationship coach, it’s my job to help couples avoid the common yet often hidden traps waiting to snatch away their bliss. Do not, I repeat, do not get married without premarital coaching.   Schedule a FREE One-On-One Coaching Session Here   Hallie never thought she’d get divorced. It’s a promise she had made to herself, especially after seeing her parents divorce. But as she slowly realized things in her marriage would not change, she knew it was time to make this difficult choice.   What’s the Worst that Can Happen? When life falls apart, we often meditate on the absolute worst thing that can happen. What if, Hallie asks, we focused on asking ourselves what possible good could come out of the situation? What if we, instead, looked for hidden treasures in the unexpected and unfinished work in our lives?   Life doesn’t have to be hard all the time, and when it is hard, it doesn’t have to remain hard. There is another path . . . another way forward. It’s the path of discovering that there is light and life even in the shadows of darkness.   That’s the message behind Falling Home, and that is the message of this hope series on the podcast. When life falls apart, there is always hope to be found, even in the unexpected and unfinished spaces.   Links Mentioned in this Episode   Get Hallie’s Book: Falling Home: Creating a Life that Catches You When You Fall Connect with Hallie on Instagram or her Website   Interested in my Wife Life group coaching session? Find out more here!     SUBSCRIBE | SHARE | RATE | COMMENT To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media. Finally, please leave a rating and a comment on Apple Podcasts to let me know how this podcast is helping you and your relationships. I’m always open to guest suggestions and how I can make the show even better!        Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/ Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

Dealing with Disappointments in Relationships (Hope Series)   What do you do when you’ve been disappointed in your relationships? When the one closest to you lets you down or breaks your heart? Truthfully, we’ve all had unmet expectations in our relationships that have led to major disappointment. As we begin a new podcast series on hope, I want to really lay a foundation of the importance of dealing with our disappointments. When we allow disappointment to fester, it callouses our hearts. We become numb, cold, angry, bitter, etc. You pick your poison. However, when we decide to let go of the disappointment, we can learn to walk in new levels of freedom. Disappointment doesn’t discriminate. In other words, it happens to us all. This episode will help you to stop running from the truth of what or who hurt you and, more importantly, choose a new path by learning to forgive.   The Beauty of Forgiveness “Holding onto unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” – Unknown. Think about that. When you chose to not forgive, you are only hurting yourself. The problem is that we hold onto unforgiveness because we think it shields us from pain. The truth is it only deepens our pain. When you learn to forgive and release others, you are the one who is also set free. if you’re married, you are going to have to forgive often. The people closest to us are also the ones who have greater access to our hearts, and therefore, can hurt us the deepest. But have no fear. Love covers a multitude of wrongs (I Peter 4:8).   What Suffering & Disappointment Teach Us Suffering and disappointment teach out how to endure (Romans 5:3-5). As we learn to endure the disappointments we face in life, we build character, and character builds hope. It’s a beautiful cycle, actually. When you begin to understand that nothing can defeat you, that God can cause all things to work for your good (Romans 8:28), you stop allowing the relationship disappointments you’ve been dealt to win the game. You learn how to make the disappointments work for you.   This episode will help you to gain a better understanding of the necessity of disappointments in our lives. I hope it encourages you.   Links Mentioned in this Episode   Join my new group coaching class: Wife Life   Episode 13: The Power of Forgiveness in Relationships: Release Them, Restore You       SUBSCRIBE | SHARE | RATE | COMMENT To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media. Finally, please leave a rating and a comment on Apple Podcasts to let me know how this podcast is helping you and your relationships. I’m always open to guest suggestions and how I can make the show even better!  Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/ Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

Relationship trauma expert Dr. Janie Lacy is here to help us to understand our core wounds and avoid toxic relationships in today’s episode. Janie and I talked about the importance of knowing yourself (i.e. becoming self-aware) and how that knowledge can lead you into uncovering your childhood (or core) wounds. And yes, we all have them. Understanding where we’ve come from can then help us to build healthier relationships.   Lately, there’s been a lot of what I call psycho-babble flying around on social media. Words like narcissism, gaslighting, toxicity, and the like, have become overused and ill-defined. I wanted an actual therapist to help us to not only decode these words but more importantly learn to recognize if we see any of these patterns in our relationships.   Understanding Your Core Wounds Even good families have some level of dysfunction. I like to say that we’ve all marinated in the "juices" of our families of orgin, and no matter how we try to detach from the craziness of our childhood, we all carry some level of crazy into adulthood. Think about the family you grew up in. How did you see your father treat your mother and vice versa? Did you even have a father in the home? If not, how did that affect you? Was your mother nurturing or distant? How did you respond to her? Maybe, sadly, you didn’t grow up with a mother. It’s obvious that the way we were raised affects us today. Janie tells the story of feeling embarrassed to speak in front of people because, as a child, she had rotten teeth. She had to learn to overcome her core wounds and learn how to communicate. This revelation led her to becoming a psychotherapist.   A friend of mine says, “There is no such thing as marriage problems; only childhood problems that manifest in marriage.” I’m sure she didn’t make that up, but whoever originally coined it is on the right track. What doesn’t get healed gets repeated. Janie also reminds us that if we don’t deal with our core wounds, they will haunt us in our relationships.   “We need to understand where we’ve been so that we can unblock where we want to go and why we attract certain people.” – Janie Lacy   Becoming Self-Aware   Janie and I also discussed some practical steps people can do in order to become self-aware. Understanding your core wound is a big part of this, but it’s also important to break out of the mundane. When our lives are too “ordinary,” and we are too comfortable, there is little reason to change or even question if something might be awry. When trauma presents, we are shaken loose of living on auto-pilot. Ask yourself how do you feel when no one else is around? Do you feel loved? Unseen? The reason many of us don’t want to do the work of becoming self-aware is because it is painful. It forces us to take responsibility and look at our own toxic thinking and areas we’ve allowed others to mistreat us. It’s sobering to realize we had a part to play in these toxic relationships.   Signs You’re in a Toxic Relationship   Before you can rid yourself of toxic relationships, you must first understand if you’re in one. Beware. This is hard. When you truly love someone, it can be disorienting to think of him/her as toxic. The good news is that the person isn’t necessarily toxic, but the behavior is. Not all toxic relationships have to end, but toxic behavior must. Janie shared with us the following practical signs to know if you’re in a toxic relationship:   You make excuses for your partner’s negative behavior. You can’t be yourself with your partner. You feel like you’re constantly performing. Your core wounds are being incited when you’re around your partner. You see unhealthy patterns (being cursed out, being manipulated, being abused, etc.)   This episode was chock full of sage and practical advice. Thanks Dr. Janie Lacy for all you shared with us today!   Links Mentioned in this Episode   Connect with Janie at http://janielacy.com   Get My Free e-Book! 5 Relationship Mistakes that are Wrecking Your Life       SUBSCRIBE | SHARE | RATE | COMMENT To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media. Finally, please leave a rating and a comment on Apple Podcasts to let me know how this podcast is helping you and your relationships. I’m always open to guest suggestions and how I can make the show even better!          Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/ Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

If you’re a single person looking for solid relationship tips, look no further than today’s episode featuring my husband, Shaun, as we share from our heart some wisdom that will help you to value yourself and to make better decisions in your relationships. First off, full disclosure, Shaun and I were super young when we got married . . . I was 18, and he was 21. So, technically, our single days were pretty short-lived. However, we’ve heard (and continue to hear) from our single friends about the struggles they’re facing in the single game and want to help steer you clear of some common pitfalls.   We thought it was fitting for us, as a married couple, to give some advice for single people from a compassionate yet challenging perspective. One of my Facebook followers on the Real Relationship Talk page sent me a message asking why married men don’t offer “relationship tips” to single women. Um . . . let’s just lay aside the obvious problems with that statement and get to her concerns. She wrote, “Annnnd why is it that married men who seem like ‘Mr. Right’ with their spouse don't have any Mr. Right recommendations for the single sistahs in their lives? I feel like we're out here trying to point ‘em out on our own.” I asked Shaun to take a stab at this question, and his response spawned today’s episode.   Relationship Tip #1: Value Yourself   This may seem like common sense, but far too many single people do not value themselves. They are not self-aware. They lack boundaries, and therefore, other people do not value them either. I see it all the time—beautiful, strong, smart, and capable women allowing themselves to be treated like options by undeserving men. This madness has to stop. The first relationship tip we give to single people is to honor yourself . . . value yourself. If you don’t, no one else will.    Relationship Tip #2: Stop Bending to Society’s Norms   Listen, if you don’t know who you are, you’ll allow everyone else to tell you who you are. Part of being confident and valuing yourself is shutting out society’s expectations, labels, and rules. You are not a Kardashian. You don’t have Kardashian money. You don’t have Kardashian clout. And you do not have Kris Jenner for your mom. Stop trying to “keep up with the Kardashians” or Kardashian-like expectations. No one’s body looks like that, not even theirs. So give yourself a break, and focus on your strengths. If you love you, other people will love you too.   Relationship Tip #3: Stop Giving It Away for Free   Here’s some old-school relationship advice that really works. If you’re giving all the goods away and allowing your boyfriend/girlfriend to be too comfortable, why would they want to marry you? We’re not suggesting that you start playing games, but you do need to ask yourself what are you willing to withhold in order to encourage your significant other to make an investment in you? The age-old adage Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? still holds, friends.   Relationship Tip #4: Don’t Ghost Your Friends When You’re in a Relationship   We’ve all had “that” friend. The one who disappears like Casper when they begin a new relationship. It’s immature and insensitive. You need your friends. Don’t allow your new relationship status to undermine the very people you’re going to need to lean on when said relationship is over. Friends give us a different perspective. They encourage us when we’re down. And they bring balance to your life. So, don’t be shady; be a good friend.   I am so grateful to my husband, Shaun, for speaking to the hearts of my single listeners. I want you to be sure you’re subscribed to my email list so you can continue to receive these relationship tips on the regular using the link below.   Links Mentioned in this Episode   Get Your Free e-Book 5 Relationship Mistakes that are Wrecking Your Life       SUBSCRIBE | SHARE | RATE | COMMENT To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media. Finally, please leave a rating and a comment on Apple Podcasts to let me know how this podcast is helping you and your relationships. I’m always open to guest suggestions and how I can make the show even better!        Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/ Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

Love, Laughs, & Old School Relationship Advice (Single AF Series) - with Comedian Ms. Maebelle   Away with this millennial dating advice! We’re taking it old school today and bringing our favorite comedian, Ms. Maebelle, to the podcast to give us some old-school dating and relationship advice. Now, if you've never heard of Ms. Maebelle, think of a kinder, gentler version of cultural icon Madea. Sometimes you need that “seasoned wisdom” to help you navigate through the stormy relationship waters. Ms. Maebelle delivers just the sauce we needed. I wanted to get her wisdom on what women (especially) should be doing while they’re awaiting Mr. Right (or Boaz, as he’s known in Christian circles). I also asked her about her thoughts on the over-sexualization of women and her best dating tips. Here are some highlights we discussed in this episode.   Finding Your Purpose as a Single Woman Similar to what our guest Vernicia Eure shared on episode 32- The Art of Becoming Happily Single, Ms. Maebelle advised women who are waiting to be married (or at least waiting to find the right man) should busy themselves with a purpose. Don’t just stand around, aimlessly doing nothing. Be busy. She took us to the book of Ruth in the Bible and explained how Ruth busied herself enough to catch the attention of Boaz. John Sims, from episode 31- 5 Qualities Single Men Look for in a Single Woman brought this point home as well. Ladies, listen up. Being focused on your goals, passions, and pursuits is highly attractive to a secure and responsible man.   Is Modest Hottest? There was a phrase back in the day (speaking of old-school relationship advice) that suggested “modest is hottest.” Basically, modesty is the highest form of hotness. While the word “modest” carries some baggage, I do believe that women shouldn’t bear all their goods to just anyone. Ms. Maebelle reminded us that men have good imaginations, and they like a little bit of mystery when it comes to a woman. Most respectable men do not want the woman they are looking to settle down with to dress too provocatively. But even if he does, ladies, there is something really intriguing about a woman who carries herself well and leaves some things to the imagination.   Cooking, Cleaning, and Bearing Children, Oh My! Old-school relationship advice wouldn’t be complete without a laundry list of all the things women should be doing in the house, primarily the kitchen. Ms. Maebelle believes that women need to know how to cook and clean to win a husband. I pushed back on this a bit because in my marriage, both my husband and I share household responsibilities. Still, there are some who are more traditional, and keeping a clean house is a good thing every adult (male or female) should learn to do, in my opinion.   Best and Worst Relationship Advice We ended the podcast by discussing some of the best and worst relationship advice Ms. Maebelle had given and received. Her answers were pretty hilarious. What’s the best and worst relationship advice you’ve ever received? The thing that I love about older people is they shoot from the hip. Most don’t mince words, but rather they tell it like it is. Although this episode was all in fun, Ms. Maebelle did drop some truth bombs. Let me encourage you at this time to spend time, if possible, with your grandparents. They are deep wells of wisdom and give some of the greatest, most practical relationship advice you’ll hear, especially if they themselves have a solid relationship.   Links Mentioned in this Episode   Follow Ms. Maebelle on Facebook       SUBSCRIBE | SHARE | RATE | COMMENT To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media. Finally, please leave a rating and a comment on Apple Podcasts to let me know how this podcast is helping you and your relationships. I’m always open to guest suggestions and how I can make the show even better!                      Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/ Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

How Guys Think – A Single Man Bares All   I’m often asked by single women listeners of the podcast “what do single men think about?” Does he really not understand the female mind? Why won’t he commit? How do I know if he’s really into me? Questions about how guys think abound (a quick Google search will affirm this) and compelled me to invite my guest, Avery Martin, to the podcast today. I wanted to go straight to the source to find out how guys think. Avery is an everyday man who is very intentional about how he does relationships and what he’s looking for in a woman. Avery allowed us a peek into the mind of the single man to hopefully shed some light on just how single men think.   Why Don’t Men Share Their Feelings?   Many women want to know why it’s so hard for men to open up and share their feelings. We know that men have emotions, but many seem to have trouble letting us in to their heart. Avery offered great insight by explaining that if a man doesn’t feel safe to share, or if he feels what he shares will be thrown back at him later, he’ll never open up. I asked what the fear behind the man not opening up, and Avery shared that it is partially due to culture telling men they have to be strong, but it’s also that some men don’t know how to process their emotions within themselves, therefore, they can’t share them with a woman they’re in a relationship with. We also talked about how guys think about being intimidated by women, especially since I just focused on this topic in my last episode with Mandy Hale.   What Does Equality in Relationships Look Like to You?   When it comes to relationship roles, some men are more traditional, while other men are more progressive. I wanted to know Avery’s take on how guys think equality in relationships should look like. He stated that in dating relationships, equality is most demonstrated in the level of effort each partner initiates. It’s no secret that most women love to be pursued by their men. However, according to Avery, she should still make a genuine effort in the relationship as well. One of the tricky parts is that everyone seems to have a different definition of dating, which can obviously cause communication problems and disappointments and can lead to folks finding themselves in “situationships” they never intended on being in.   Is He Really Interested?   Most of us have seen the hit movie He’s Just Not That Into You (2009). Sadly, because some men have led women on with no intention of commitment, many women are still asking this question of the men they’re dating. Just recently, a woman emailed me to ask if she should move on or continue dating a man who is giving her mixed signals about their relationship. Avery didn’t mince words here: basically, he says, if a man is interested in a woman, she will know it. He will make his intentions known. This is going to be a hard pill for some ladies to swallow because many men give off mixed signals. However, ladies, take this advice to heart. Stop pining over a man who isn’t letting his intentions be clearly known.   Maintaining Celibacy in Your Singleness   Avery shared some very practical steps he takes in his quest to maintain celibacy in his singleness. I thought this part of the conversation on how guys think was really helpful to those who also want to devote their attention to other things than sex. It takes a lot of focus and effort, Avery said, but it also keeps a lot of problems and unnecessary ties to people at bay. While not all Christian singles are practicing celibacy, many are. Avery brought up the term “delayed gratification,” which is so important to cultivate in these conversations.   Some helpful tips on how to maintain celibacy: Surround yourself with a support group who you can be accountable to and encouraged by. Find something else to divert your “energy.” Be careful about the music, movies, and other media you consume. Date other singles who have the same value for sexual integrity that you do.   Listen to the full podcast and hear Avery explain how guys think about “short-term fun” girls and so much more by clicking on the player above.   Links Mentioned in this Episode Find Avery on Instagram   Register for My Upcoming Boundaries Workshop     SUBSCRIBE | SHARE | RATE | COMMENT To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media. Finally, please leave a rating and a comment on Apple Podcasts to let me know how this podcast is helping you and your relationships. I’m always open to guest suggestions and how I can make the show even better!          Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/ Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

Finding Love Without Losing Yourself (Single AF Series) – with Mandy Hale   For singles looking for love, the dating scene can be a doozy. Online dating is at an all-time high, and while many singles are out here interviewing spouses, others are quite content in “situationships” that lead to nowhere. The Single Woman, herself, Mandy Hale is on the podcast today and wants to help you singles to find love without losing yourself. Her latest book, Don’t Believe the Swipe: Finding Love Without Losing Yourself isn’t just a dating manual; it’s a self-love manual for single people. Mandy is a New York Times Best-Selling author and social media powerhouse. She has appeared on Oprah’s Lifeclass Tour, spoken at Women of Faith and TD Jake’s Woman Thou Art Loosed!   Mandy shares candid dating stories that will leave you bewildered at the brazenness of some of her suitors. But she seems to take it all in stride. She’s been doing this dating thing long enough to know that not every connection is a love connection, and she’s okay with that. Mandy reminds us that dating is supposed to be fun; it’s supposed to be a way of learning about people and yourself. Thus, she knows how to help singles recover from the constant pressure of what she calls “the swipe.”   Don’t Believe the Swipe Mandy explains that the swipe is the incessant pressure put on singles to measure their worth by their relationship status. If a single woman is worried about why she isn’t being matched with more people on the online dating apps, or if a single man is focused on the next woman while in a relationship with someone else, they’re believing the swipe. Dating can be very superficial, and singles can find themselves getting too caught up in their heads, wondering why they’re being ghosted or rejected. They can internalize other people’s reactions to the point of beginning to feel negative about themselves.   Dating isn’t just about being matched with someone. It’s about learning to love yourself and being confident in who you are. That’s what finding love without losing yourself is all about.   Reclaiming the Joy of the Single Life We’ve talked about finding joy in the single life on other podcast episodes, namely the episode on In-Between Relationships. There is nothing wrong with being single. Not. One. Thing. Instead of constantly searching for “the one,” Mandy encourages singles to focus on being the one, but not for someone else. Be the one for you. Enjoy this stage of your life. Cherish it. The Apostle Paul says in I Corinthians 7:7, “Sometimes I wish everyone were single like me—a simpler life in many ways! But celibacy is not for everyone any more than marriage is. God gives the gift of the single life to some, the gift of the married life to others” (The Message).   Churches can help singles to feel more comfortable and connected, and both Many and I had some great ways to make this happen.   The Intimidation Factor If you are a successful, confident, single woman, you’ve maybe heard a man tell you that you’re “intimidating.” Mandy dedicates and entire chapter in her book to this topic, and we also addressed it at length on the podcast. In a nutshell, a guy telling a girl she’s intimidating is an excuse. “If a guy is truly meant for you, nothing is going to be able to keep him away,” Mandy says. With that in mind, it should take some of the pressure off of finding love. Ladies, you are not too much. You do not need to dumb yourself down, dim your light, or commit any other acts of sacrifice against yourself. If a man can’t handle your awesomeness, tell him to keep it moving.   This was a great conversation with Mandy, and I’m grateful to have had her on the show!   Notable Moments in the Podcast   [9:15]: An in-depth definition of “the swipe”   [15:25]: Instead of asking if he/she likes you, do you even like him/her?   [20:42]: Finding joy in the single life   [23:04]: How churches can do better at celebrating single people   [28:29]: The myth of the intimidation factor   [36:20]: What keeps a man away if he’s into you   [37:00]: Some modern dating definitions   Links Mentioned in this Episode   Mandy Hale’s Website   Follow Mandy (@TheSingleWoman) on Instagram and Twitter   Purchase Mandy’s Book: Don’t Believe the Swipe: Finding Love Without Losing Yourself   Register for My Upcoming Boundaries Workshop     SUBSCRIBE | SHARE | RATE | COMMENT To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media. Finally, please leave a rating and a comment on Apple Podcasts to let me know how this podcast is helping you and your relationships. I’m always open to guest suggestions and how I can make the show even better!                    Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/ Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

In-Between Relationships: Becoming Confident & Gaining Clarity (Single AF) – with Videllia and Melissa   Today, we have the love blogger herself, who needs no last name, Videllia on the podcast as we continue our #SingleAF series. But I also wanted my friend Melissa Seaman on the show because, while Videllia is well-versed in handling relationships, Melissa has yet to jump into the dating waters. Videllia helps to empower single women who are looking to build healthy relationships, so I thought this conversation needed to happen.   I wanted to know if these ladies felt pressure to be married and if so, where that pressure came from. Videllia went first, and stated that she didn’t feel pressure from family but rather the culture at large where there seems to be an over-arching focus on relationships. Melissa also feel the pressure to get married and have kids, but not from her family. She actually became enthralled in her parents’ romance story, and they served as great examples to her. They taught her to find herself in God’s big plan and to be selective in choosing a man. But she put pressure on herself after watching most of her friends and even her two younger brothers get married. Both ladies agreed that, “Even if you’re not raised to put that pressure on yourself to get married, you put pressure on yourself.”   Settling for Mr. Alright One of the most detrimental things women do in between relationships is settling for who I call “Mr. Alright.” Usually, the woman is tired of waiting for “the one” (i.e. Mr. Right), so she reasons and bargains her way down to some man who meets just enough of her standards. This usually has disastrous results. Of course, no man is perfect, and you likely won’t find every single thing you’re looking for in one person, but I implore you, ladies, do not settle for Mr. Alright. Videllia asserts, “I desire marriage but my desire isn’t so high that I’m willing to settle just to say I have somebody.”   Waiting is hard, and you have to develop contentment.  Videllia admits that she’s not always content in her singleness.  Much like my friend Vernicia said on Episode 32 on becoming content in your singleness.   “It’s easier to be more selective when you’re not giving up the cookies.” -  Videllia   How to Put Yourself Out There Without Appearing Desperate   Melissa has never been in a relationship but appreciated how Vidella encouraged her to put herself out there. Videllia shared some nuggets on learning to become vocal without becoming the pursuer. This is something single women need to get good at doing. Gaining clarity and becoming confident to speak up and assert yourself in a relationship is important. But too often, women (and men, for that matter) don’t speak up out of fear of rejection and fear of being hurt. Videllia talked about how we don’t always deal with the hurt, but instead mask it. We know that doesn’t work in the long term, but sadly, many people still do it. Toward the end of the episode, I led Videllia in giving Melissa a mini-coaching session on what Melissa deemed her problem with the “Friend Zone.”   The Friend Zone   The friend zone is when two people have a friendship and one of them “catches feelings” for the other, and after sharing said feelings realize the feelings are not reciprocal. How painfully frustrating this can be. Many singles experience this after they have been a loyal and attentive friend to someone who just isn’t interested in the same way. I liked how Videllia encouraged Melissa to not fall into the role of a girlfriend for someone who’s just your friend.   Notable Moments Along Our Conversation: [6:30]: The pressure singles feel from others to get married [9:14]: Taking your time to make sure you’re compatible with some (especially spiritually compatible) [24:42]: Why some women are afraid to put themselves out there [28:01]: Learning how to be clear on what you’re looking for in a partner [31:50]: How to handle a man who keeps you in the friend zone   Links Mentioned in this Episode Videllia’s Website Follow Videllia on Instagram Follow Videllia on Facebook Follow Videllia on Youtube   Register for My Upcoming Boundaries Workshop     SUBSCRIBE | SHARE | RATE | COMMENT To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.   Finally, please leave a rating and a comment on Apple Podcasts to let me know how this podcast is helping you and your relationships. I’m always open to guest suggestions and how I can make the show even better!  Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/ Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

The Life of a Single Mom (Single AF) – with Jennifer Maggio   At the young age of 19, Jennifer had been pregnant four times. Two miscarriages and two kids later, she was stuck in an abusive, toxic relationship. This was just the beginning of her story and the creation of The Life of a Single Mom. Growing up, Jennifer was dealt a hard blow when her mother was killed at age 32. From there, she experienced abuse in every form. Her father was an angry alcoholic, and Jennifer endured verbal, emotional, physical, and sexual trauma. Though her father was not the one who sexually abused her, Jennifer experienced the other forms of abuse in his household and learned how to “fake it” in front of church people. The family attended church, but as Jennifer put it, “Sundays was a façade, but the rest of your life didn’t comingle with that.”   The Turning Point All the trauma that Jennifer endured came to a head when as she says, “I huddled on the bathroom floor contemplating taking my own life.” Life had gotten to a point where Jennifer didn’t want to go on. But she also didn’t want her young children to grow up without a mom, as she had experienced. The turning point came for Jennifer when she started attending church again. Feeling like such an outsider, she pressed through, even miserably, week after week. But then something shifted. Jennifer left her abusive relationship but still wanted God to change her boyfriend so they could be together. One day she heard the Lord say, “Stop asking me to change your boyfriend’s heart, and start asking me to change you.” #micdrop   Jennifer began to take her faith seriously and through a long process, she began to grow spiritually and break the soul ties she had with her abusive ex-boyfriend.   The Origin of the Life of a Single Mom Jennifer found her home in corporate America and was doing great things there. She was making more money than she ever had before and was steadily climbing the coveted corporate ladder. But then God reminded her of her true calling. She knew she had to help other single moms to get free. She wasn’t a savior, but she believed God would use her pain for these moms’ purposes. She realized that “the freedom takes longer than the rescue.” What a powerful statement.   In 2007, in a southern living room, Jennifer and three other single moms met for what would become the first support group of The Life of a Single Mom, a non-profit ministry dedicated to providing support groups and education in three core areas: parenting, finances, and health & wellness. A little over 10 years, 1600+ support groups, and nearly 700,000 women later, Jennifer is fulfilling the vision. She got emotional when I asked her if she ever envisioned how big The Life of a Single Mom would be. I am touched by Jennifer’s humility. She knows that none of this is possible without the steady hand and guidance of the Lord. Hope for Single Moms While Jennifer has an extraordinary testimony, this, of course, is not the story of every single mom. Some single moms go through even worse challenges, and some are managing just fine. The hope for single moms, whatever station they may be in, is that you can make it through. You can get unstuck. You can leave old patterns behind. And God can restore whatever is broken. We celebrate the courage, tenacity, and resilience of single moms today, and I’m so grateful to Jennifer Maggio for launching the amazing ministry of The Life of a Single Mom. May it be so that no single mom walks alone.     Links Mentioned in this Episode Learn all about The Life of a Single Mom Help for Single Moms 25 Ways to Serve Single Moms   Register for My Upcoming Boundaries Workshop     SUBSCRIBE | SHARE | RATE | COMMENT To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.   Finally, please leave a rating and a comment on Apple Podcasts to let me know how this podcast is helping you and your relationships. I’m always open to guest suggestions and how I can make the show even better!  Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/ Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

The Art of Becoming Happily Single Today we’re helping singles learn how to be happy and single. I’m calling it the art of becoming "happily single." Joining me on the podcast is my dear friend, Vernicia Eure, who, though she’s never been married has learned to be content with being single. This isn’t an easy feat, but Vernicia explains how she realized that God had a plan through some of the relationships that didn’t work out. “I’ve learned to be content,” Vernicia says, “but sometimes I’m not all that happy about it.” Vernicia took her experiences and decided to help other single women in their process of learning how to be happily single themselves with the creation of her Stepping into Purity Facebook group. “What if you’re not supposed to be in a relationship right now?” Vernicia asks the ladies in her group.   Single vs Married – The Grass is Greener on the Other Side Far too often, people think the grass is greener on the other side. Single people want to be married, and married people want to be single. Wouldn’t it be great if we just all learned how “to be content in whatever state we are in” like the apostle Paul encourages us in the Bible (Philippians 4:11). Friends, the grass is not greener on the other side. It’s greener where you water it most. Maybe the question is how are you watering the single life you’ve been given? Maybe it’s time to stop looking over the fence and, instead, begin to truly embrace this season in your life and focus on learning how to be happily single.   What Real Purity Is in Relationships Many single people have been confused or even hurt by the so-called “purity culture movement” that was all the rage back in the 1980s and 90s. True purity, however, has more to do with a surrendered heart than behavior. Should Christian singles engage in online dating? Should they watch certain movies? How should you respond to the oversaturation of sex in our culture? Vernicia talks about the importance of realizing purity goes beyond sexual purity and encompasses mental, relational, and spiritual purity as well. She gives a really great explanation of this around 21:00 mark of the episode. Vernicia reminds us that you can be “sex-free,” but still need to engage in other aspects of real purity by celebrating your authenticity and embracing where you are in your life now instead of using sex as a cover for you not knowing yourself or your values. Because I’ve known Vernicia for 30+ years and have been able to watch her life, I can attest that she practices what she preaches.   Links Mentioned in this Episode Connect with Vernicia on Facebook or Instagram Pre-Order Vernicia’s Book Stepping Into Purity Register for My Boundaries Workshop   SUBSCRIBE | SHARE | RATE | COMMENT To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.   Finally, please leave a rating and a comment on Apple Podcasts to let me know how this podcast is helping you and your relationships. I’m always open to guest suggestions and how I can make the show even better!Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/ Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.