Rebuilding Us: Christian Marriage Advice for Couples

Love is Kind.  But Are You? (Love Is… Series) - with Anne Visser   I was reading an article last year about when a mutual friend set up Prince Harry and Megan Markle on a blind date.   Megan says she had only question in mind: "Is he kind?" Love is kind, so let's talk about kindness. We’ve seen the t-shirts, we’ve used the hashtags, but how important is kindness to a relationship? Or to a marriage for that matter? To be honest, ya’ll, I wouldn’t rate kindness as one of my top attributes.   I mean, I’m not mean, but it’s just that there are so many other qualities that rank more important to me than kindness.  Like responsible.  Dependable.   Faithful.  Heck, even a sense of humor.   But the more I think about it, I realize being in a relationship with someone who isn’t kind is kinda rough.    What do you think about when you think of the word kindness? For some reason, Barney comes to my mind.   He’s always smiling.   He never seems to have a bad day.   He’s forever optimistic.   And Barney loves everyone. Kindness is usually synonymous with gentleness.   Therefore, many men don’t readily identify with this word.   Can you be tough and kind? Can you have swag and be kind? Cool and kind? Or do you need to act like Barney? I think kindness is more about a heart expression than a facial expression.   Kindness is more than just being nice.  It’s compassionate, selfless, and its very definition is the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate.   Kindness is putting others first.   And you can do all of that without smiling.    In Ephesians 4:32, Paul instructs Christians to be kind to one another.   Tenderhearted, forgiving one another just as God, for Christ’s sake, forgives us.   Elsewhere, in Galatians, we see that kindness is a fruit of the Spirit…basically it’s one of the evidences of God’s spirit in you… or not. We all know about those mean ol’ church ladies, right?    Random Acts of Kindness I’ve been the recipient of random acts of kindness more times than I can count.   Several years ago, after a long and stressful day of non-stop sports, I pulled my weary self into the Chick-fil-A drive through.   I knew it would be the cashier's pleasure to serve me, or at least that's what they always say, I mean kindness is literally written all over their employee handbook.   But what I didn't expect is the person in front of me to pay for my whole ticket.   Do ya'll know how expensive Chick-Fil-A is for a family of six? You might at well go sit down somewhere at a restaurant.     Another time at Starbucks after ordering an especially sugary drink and battling shame as I inched my way through the drive-through.   Again, someone, a complete stranger, paid for my drink.   FYI: I haven’t battled shame in the Starbucks line ever since. Kindness literally destroys shame.   Ooohhh...    Hesed: the Biblical Definition of Kindness Kindness is a theme all throughout Scripture.   God extends us kindness through giving us grace and mercy.   Jesus modeled kindness by caring for the poor, lifting up women in a hyper-mysoginistic culture.   From the patriarch, Abraham, who showed hospitality to strangers (who just happened to be angels), to the prostitute, Rahab who hid the Israelite warriors from her own people who were trying to kill them, and the prophet Hosea, who married a wayward prostitute and kept pursuing her while she was pursuing other men, all of these people extended kindness without expecting anything in return.   But ya’ll know what, when you do something kind without expecting anything in return, God has a way of returning it back to you.    There’s this really beautiful Hebrew word Hesed that shows up in the Bible.   Hesed means loyal love, faithful devotion and unfailing kindness.   Sounds just like God to me.   But did you know we are called to show hesed in our marriages and relationships? Loyalty, faithful devotion, unfailing kindness.   These are all action-oriented nouns. Hesed is kindness rooted in love. So we know kindness is good for us spirit, but can talk about science for a bit?    How Kindness Affects our Physical Bodies Did you know that according to Mayo Clinic Health, being kind boosts serotonin and dopamine, which are neurotransmitters in the brain that give you feelings of satisfaction and well-being, and cause the pleasure/reward centers in your brain to light up? Endorphins, which are your body's natural pain killer, also can be released just be practicing kindness.   So hesed is good for your physical health too!  Being kind just feels good.      How to be Kind in Marriage & Relationships I think one of the most obvious ways we can show hesed is in how we communicate, specifically how we talk to those we’re in relationship with.   When I was a kid, my sister and I would mock my mom’s telephone voice, you know you made fun of your mom too.   You know the voice I’m talking about? That super nice, cheerful, proper voice (hello) my mom would answer the phone after she just got finished yelling at my sister and me for not cleaning our rooms. Well, much to my dismay, my own kids joke my podcast voice! Ya’ll, I don’t have a podcast voice. Really what they’re saying is my tone with them is lacking the same sweetness I obviously have with my listeners.    But let’s talk about marriage for a bit.   This is a marriage podcast after all.   We all have a tendency to take our spouses for granted.   Think of the last conversation you had with your spouse.   If you were to be rated on a scale from 1-10 on how kind that conversation was, how would you score? Think about when you were dating vs your conversations now.   Remember how you’d be so excited to talk to each other on the phone or you’d get that tingling feeling deep in your stomach when you saw your future mate had emailed, texted, or reached out to you on social.      Now, that you’re married, how often do you think of kindness in your conversations? No judgment here, you guys.   I, too, am guilty as charged.   And that’s why our guest today is here.   She is going to help us learn to communicate more kindly. I invited Anne Visser, who is a life coach, and also a certified John Maxwell coach, speaker & trainer.   With her husband, Melis, of 42 years, they co-founded 4 Better 4 Ever, which seeks to help Christian women learn to communicate clearly and confidently. Anne is going to chime in on this conversation we're already having on Kind communication.     Kind Communication in Marriage & Relationships Communication is key in relationships. Anne shares how couples can improve their communication, and in turn, improve their relationships. Through healthy communication, we can all learn to give a little more love to the people around us, while building thriving relationships. Anne shares meaningful ways that we can open ourselves up to love through vulnerability, kindness, and patience. Being vulnerable is never easy, but it is worth it. When we take the chance to get vulnerable with our partners, it allows us to enter a space where we can speak freely from our heart, in a safe space. Anne said of kind communication, “It was a shift in Melis’s and my mindset and a shift in the way we communicated.” When Anne and her husband created vulnerability in their marriage, they regained hope in their marriage. Through deep, heart-opening conversations, Anne and her husband were able to overcome strife and regain the love they desired. Conflict will arise in relationships at some point and understanding and communicating your needs is crucial for creating resolution. Anne said, “Conflict is the doorway to intimacy. Into me you see.” When conflict is revealed, it allows you to understand and grow closer by working as a team to overcome the problem. When conflict is fixed with vulnerability, it allows both partners to be heard and seen through the eyes of love.   God is Kind and So Can You Be When we are at the end of our rope it’s important that we can always return to kindness. God is such a pure example of what love and kindness looks like. Kindness shows up in our thoughts first, then it shows up in our words. Anne said, “Kindness to me is being honest with myself. Kindness is being kind to myself and recognizing my humanness and recognizing when I am depleted. Kindness starts with being kind with me.” All kindness starts from within. That’s why when we practice patience and kindness with ourselves, it makes it easier to practice that with others people in our lives. When you have love in your heart for yourself and God, that love becomes contagious and spreads like wildfire. When we create kindness in our lives, it creates a positive experience for us and the kindness can radiate into other people’s lives. Kindness is contagious.   Creating Healthy Communication in Your Marriage Sometimes in relationships, we have things that we want to say, but we don’t always express ourselves in the most efficient way. A lot of times, our emotions get the best of us and we become irrational and say things we didn’t mean. When we practice patiences and kindness, it allows us to shift the way we handle conflict. Anne gives her clients a tip to help with this. It’s called The Three C’s - Check Emotions, Communicate and Clarify, and Create Resolution. When we have something weighing us down it’s important to check in with our emotions. Slow down and check in on how you’re feeling. When we are triggered, emotions will run high causing irrational responses. Once we are able to recognize that, we can slow down to communicate and clarify our needs. This will help with creating understanding and creating resolution with our partners. Often times, in relationships, we think we are going to war with our partner. When we shift our thinking, and realize that our partners are on the same team as us, it allows us to create more love and empathy. When you give your partner the same kindness, grace, and love that you want to receive, it creates healthier communication in the partnership.     Links Mentioned in this Episode Learn more about Anne's Work Here.  Anne’s 7-Day Communication Challenge Get Your Copy of My New Workbook: Love Is . . .   SUBSCRIBE | SHARE | RATE | COMMENT To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.  Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/ Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

  Love is Patient and #WorthTheWait - with J and Ginger Simpson   On today’s episode, I had the privilege to host J and Ginger Simpson for our Love Is . . . series. In this conversation we talk about growing love with patience and faith. It’s clear how much love J and Ginger truly have for each other, but it was a long journey of trusting God to get to that point. Throughout their relationship, they both spent long days and nights waiting on God and his ultimate timing to bring them together. Through trust in God, healing, patience, and waiting, God presented them with the gift of love to cherish and grow together as a married couple.    Patience Paves the Road to Love  For J and Ginger, things weren't always easy but they both practiced patience as their relationship and marriage was developed. J found himself in a deep-knowing that Ginger was the person he was meant to be with. He trusted in God to believe when the time was right, it would come.  J said “I just believed that this is my wife. Patience is the partner of faith. When you walk by faith and put on patience while you’re waiting, you are doing the will of God.” It was a long road of trusting in the plan that God had for them, but eventually J popped the question and Ginger said YES!   Stay in Faith and Do Not Waiver But things got rocky when Ginger abruptly called off the engagement. It was time for J to wait yet again. While he waited on Ginger to come around, he admitted to “getting in the flesh.” At times, he was tested but he remembered with faith, God will deliver. J said “Most people say they're in faith, but they don’t understand that faith is a process and the results are progressive.” He soon came to realize that in order to get the love he truly wanted, he must trust in God and that his path would soon be revealed. He believed that as long as he was consistent, the outcome of his faith would be rewarded. J carried patience throughout this entire journey, deeply knowing that God would send him what he needed, when he was ready. God is faithful, and when you trust in God, divine timing will deliver.   How Healing & Patience Ready Us for Love Ginger’s journey to marriage came through a different set of struggles. She wanted to ensure that she was ready to step into the love and marriage that she and J truly deserved. Ginger said “I did not want to hurt someone who had been so good to me.” She knew that J was right for her, but she didn’t want to rush into something that she didn’t feel fully ready for. Ginger said “If I would have moved forward with the spirit of rejection and abandonment [that she carried], I don’t know if we would be married right now.” Ginger spent nine years waiting for a husband. She had to trust in God’s plan that when she felt ready, there would be a sign.  But God was at work, restoring Ginger and making her ready for the love that was waiting for her. The waiting was never easy for this couple, but it was well worth it for the love they are living.   The Waiting Game of Love We can’t talk about patience without talking about waiting. When we pray for things, we expect results right away. In waiting, we are able to grow appreciation about the things we are hoping to receive. When we take our eyes off the goal and focus our eyes on trusting in God’s plan, all will fall into line. Ginger quoted the scripture “Don’t grow weary in well-doing, because in due time the harvest will come” (Galatians 6:9). The key with waiting is trusting in the plan that God has for you. Satan will try to make you grow weary, but with consistent faith, your prayers will be answered. During the waiting time, it’s about practicing patience. Patience is not about sitting back and doing nothing, it’s about doing more. More prayer, more faith, and more serving. When you throw yourself into serving God during the waiting period, the wait won’t seem like the wait. The gifts will be abundant as you practice patience and faith while waiting for God to deliver. So remember, patience is not passive. It’s active. Stay in hope as you allow love to be patient in your life and relationships.      Other Helpful Resources Related to this Episode Visit J and Ginger’s Website : The Restored Woman 5 Principles to Waiting in Hope Purchase Your copy of my newest workbook - Love Is . . .     SUBSCRIBE | SHARE | RATE | COMMENT To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.  Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/ Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

What is Love Truly? Love is in the air! On today’s episode, I was joined by the lovely Kim Sorrelle. Kim is a writer, speaker, entrepreneur, and so much more. In this conversation we talk about what love truly is, learning how to love, and giving love freely without expectations of something in return. Kim helps people discover what the true meaning of love is through her work. Love is the most beautiful gift we have, and when we learn to share that gift, the love will be abundant.    The "Feeling" of Love Love is such a complex topic to talk about. It’s something we all strive to have in life. When hard times strike, love is there to pick us back up and lift us to strength. Kim said, “Love is the ultimate freedom. There is nothing freer than walking in love.” Real, true, love isn’t about fixing people, or judging people, it’s about showing up whole-heartedly with kindness, compassion, and empathy. 1 John 4 says, “We love because we have first been loved,” and this is key for us to remember: when we have an understanding of God’s love for us, we can love others. Thus, love has no boundaries.   Learning How to Love In order to give love, you must be able to receive love. Kim said “Love is universal.” We all are put on this earth to love and be loved. When you learn to give love unconditionally then the receiving of love will come naturally. Often times, we learn how to love through our family and how we were raised as children. As we watched our parents express what love was, we inherited their version of love and carried that with us as kids and into adulthood. Kim says, “You live what you learned.” As adults, it’s our job to learn what love means to us, despite what we may have learned from our parents. We have the opportunity to overcome things that prohibit us from loving and learning how to love. We have the freedom to create unconditional love in our lives without restriction.    Giving Love Without Conditions When we are craving love, we need to look at how we are giving love. Do you give love only to receive something back? Expressing the emotion of love is most powerful when there is no need to receive anything in return. When you give love to people without the need to receive it back, that is unconditional love. 1 Corinthians 13:4–8a  says “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast.” This is about honoring yourself and providing love to people who really need love in that moment. When we stop focusing on receiving something back, we can show up fully in love and help others be seen. Kim said, “Being patient is when you actually hear what people have to say, you stop and listen without having your rebuttal to go, and actually listen to them.” When you take a moment to see a human being and hear their story, that’s when the love will naturally be ignited.    Love Does Not Keep Score Some people see love as, “Because I did this for you, you need to do that for me.” Love is not about keeping score. Love is about giving freely the love that you have. When you give your love freely without keeping score, it will give back to you in abundance. Kim said “Love is what you do, love is something you are, that you give, that you live. Then there’s no score keeping.” Giving love is self-serving because when you give more, you will receive it back naturally. Scorekeeping can often show up in our marriage. In those moments we need to remember to practice patiences and grace, giving our partner the love they need in that moment. When we learn to tap into the love inside our hearts, through the guidance of God, all will prevail.      Links Mentioned in this Episode Visit Kim’s Website : Kim's Website Get my Love Is… Workbook!    SUBSCRIBE | SHARE | RATE | COMMENT To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.      Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/ Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

Hot and Holy Sex -  with Spiced Wife Ashlyn Watkins   Ashlyn Watkins, host of the Spiced Wife podcast is here to help us understand that our sex lives can be both hot and holy. Spiced Wife is a ministry that brings Christian wives together in reaching their full potential of being a holy and sexy wife. Married sex is a topic that not a lot of people in the Christian space are talking about and if they do talk about it, it's a very sanitized, hush-hush topic. But we need to talk about this topic and to be honest. I feel like people have real questions and real concerns, and they deserve real answers.    Discovering the Path to Spiced Wife I asked Ashlyn what interested her in helping Christian women help to make their marriages hot and holy. “I can honestly say that I was provoked to passion,” Ashlyn says. “The pain in my life provoked me to Jesus, although I knew Jesus, growing up in church. My grandfather is a pastor, my dad's a pastor, and I was just in it my whole life. I learned, where that can be a blessing, it can also be a hindrance, because God becomes normal to you and you lose that awe of him. When you grow up in church, you meet church first and you meet Jesus second. People come out of the world right into Jesus, they meet Jesus first and they have this amazing experience and so they're instantly on fire for Jesus.  “With me, I grew so comfortable with God that I learned how to play the part. I was the church girl and the world girl, but you wouldn't know it. I was teaching teenage class, I was leading, praising, worship, leading choir, I had so many roles, and I was wearing the biggest spiritual mask ever. Throughout my life I went through so much. I have a history of abortions, sexual addictions, and just so many terrible things that I had to endure. In 2015, something clicked, I was just tired of knowing God based on who I was told he was. I wanted to know Jesus for myself. All these years, I've been listening and hearing, and realized I'm tired. I wanted to get clear on who I'm serving. I needed to see who he says I am, but I need to know who he is first. That year I committed to reading my Bible the entire year and my life has changed since then because I learned who God is based on who he says he is. He saved me from the religion that I was hiding behind. In beginning to know him, I found freedom, so it wasn't so heavy to serve Him anymore. My passion comes from loving people's souls and not wanting them to be blinded.”    The Shame of Teenage Pregnancy That boldness came on the heels of a shameful past. Before Ashyn dedicated herself to helping others find the hot and holy path, she had to find it herself. Ashlyn and I share similar stories of being teen moms who felt shame because we were Christians. She explains, “I believe I was really delivered from that shame when I realized that my daughter was a way of God's grace to save my life. What I thought was the biggest mistake and the biggest shame when I got pregnant, became the biggest blessing. When God opened my eyes to see that pregnancy slowed me down, it saved my life. And even now, her being a teenager, it's so much fun. She's got the youngest mom, and I'm able to have her friends over and be able to be the fun, cool mom that's discipling them, and they don't even know it. She is such a blessing. What I thought was the most devastating thing is the biggest blessing and breakthrough. I just didn't see it until I began to know God personally.”   Women Stuck in the Sexual Shame Cycle Ashlyn: Women have pain from who they used to be to who they are now, and they feel like they don't have permission to enjoy sex. Many wives are confined in the thought process of, “ I am still this person of my past.” Some wives don’t realize there is a demonic force that is lying to them to create shame around sex. Satan is the king of lies. He's putting these thoughts in your mind that “I'm not good at sex, I can't be good at sex, or  I can't enjoy sex.” It is about learning that you're coming into agreement with him and remembering God made this. Satan just took it and contaminated it. It starts with us, as women having it and enjoying it. It’s about having the confidence of knowing our God is okay with us enjoying sex and that he is okay with you learning how to do it right.   How Can Christ Make Our Sex Life Better? So what exactly is hot and holy sex? Ashlyn believes that Christ makes sex better because there's no repercussions after you're done. There's no feelings of the guilt or shame when Christ is regulating your thinking around sex. Everything with him becomes so much better. You have to know that he approves of it. When you trust in Christ you don't have to have shame in learning what an orgasm is and how to get it and how to have it. That shame is gone. Christ literally makes everything better, and sex is included. He make sex better because he makes you better.   Links Mentioned in this Episode Spiced Wife Episode on Christ Makes Sex Better: Episode 163 Learn More About Ashlyn at www.spicedwife.com Oral Sex, Oh My! Dana Che and Real Relationship Talk    SUBSCRIBE | SHARE | RATE | COMMENT To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.  Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/ Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

Dating Advice for Singles & Married People Too I had the wonderful privilege to have a conversation with Lisa Anderson from Boundless, the young adults ministry of Focus on the Family. We’re dishing out dating advice that is pure gold. If you’re single and looking for a long lasting relationship, you’re gonna want to tune in. Lisa and I touch on the idea of the church pushing marriage on singles, how it feels for singles to get advice from married people, and we discuss what it means to be “marriageable” and who is truly ready to step into marriage.   The Gift of Singleness Sometimes it may seem like the church’s dating advice is all about pushing singles to get married and start a family. There’s a lot of great things about being single and a lot of hard things about being single. We can learn a lot about life in both seasons and support each other in both seasons. 85% of people will be married by the time they reach their 30s, but it’s important that we realize not everyone is “called to be married.” There are many who have the gift of singleness, and we need to champion, encourage, and support these people more. Marriage is not the end all be all. Married people who give singles dating advice need to remember this. Dating and Marriage Advice from the Married When it comes to married people giving singles dating advice, it “depends on the advice and the way it’s delivered,” Lisa says. “I always tell singles, ‘Don't act like the married are some other species that you don't want them in your life. I mean, it only benefits us all to have people speaking to us and relaying their experience and marriage advice.’” Lisa continues, "That said, when it comes to saying like, ‘Okay, let me tell you, single person why your life is so easy or why you have it better than I do . . . I hear from so many marrieds, unfortunately, many in the church, who talk about marriage like it is completely the ball and chain. I mean, it's like the worst thing that they could ever do, and I'm like you should be champions of marriage and walking through it and giving encouragement and confidence to the singles coming up behind you. I think a good amount of grace on either side is helpful for having the conversation, for encouraging one another.  In fact, I always tell people, especially married, when you want to approach that with a single friend, the best thing to start as you wade into that conversation is to say, you know what, 'What's going on in your life? and ‘How can I best pray for you?’ Because then it gives that single person the opportunity to open up as much or as little as they'd like and to enter into prayer on behalf of a friend who truly desires a relationship and desires marriage.”   Are you Marriageable? Being marriageable can be defined as being a person who is single and available to be married, Lisa explains. It’s about people who are in a  position to be married. They are an adult, they are contributing to society, they are plugged into a local church. Some questions you can ask are Do you have a job? Are you a person that has worked on other relationships in your life? Do you honor your parents? Do you keep your commitments? Have you dealt with that baggage in your past that is going to creep into your marriage whether you want it to or not? Lisa adds, “People say they love Boundless so much because it's their people and they're like, I just want to listen to Boundless. And I'm like, that's fantastic. But here's what you really need to do. You need to get into a church in your town that is going to be up in your grill, real eyes on you, to be in your business and help you move towards maturity in Christ. And so to go after that and be the person who wants to serve and wants to be spoken into and poured into is the person who can move towards marriage and become a viable part of a God honoring couple.” Finding your Special Person God Designed for You If you look in scripture, people did some crazy things to get a spouse. They didn't sit around waiting for God to mystically show a sign for this person. I mean, they enlisted other people to help them find a spouse. Proverbs 18:22 says, "He who finds a wife, finds what is good, and finds favor with the Lord,” not he who sits around assuming that there's one person out there that he has to elusively run into at some point, and then it'll just be magical.  Lisa continues, “So I think, conservatively speaking, and the way that God has designed us to be in relationship with other people, is put in some good parameters for what this person is. Are they a disciple of Jesus Christ? What's their deal? Who are they in the things that matter? And then you pick one and that person becomes your one. So when you've done that, you put on the blinders and you become a student of that person, you become a servant of that person, you're mutually submitting to one another, loving one another, walking in faith together, sharpening one another, and that person becomes your one. And then you can breathe a sigh of relief because you don't have to worry about what all these other people are doing. You don't have to be frantically searching for that one person.  Be sure to listen to the complete episode to hear how Lisa’s dating advice affects married people too. We can all grow from the timeless truths of how to do relationships right.     Links Mentioned in this Episode Hear Lisa on her show: The Boundless Podcast Get Lisa’s Book: The Dating Manifesto: A Drama-Free Guide for Dating with Purpose Hear Dana Che on the Boundless Podcast: 7 Things I Wish I Knew Before Getting Married   SUBSCRIBE | SHARE | RATE | COMMENT To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.      Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/ Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

Protecting & Prioritizing Your Military Marriage - with Dr. Lindsey Cavanagh I live in a really big military town, Virginia Beach, right next to Norfolk, VA, which houses the largest naval base in the world. We also have Langley Air Force Base in nearby Hampton, army bases nearby and marine bases. Because we have so much military here and Shaun and I actually have lots of military friends, I wanted to dedicate a specific episode to helping out our military spouses.   In today's episode, we are blessed to have with us Dr. Lindsey Cavanagh, a psychologist, marriage coach, and podcast host of Married to Military. She is going to help us to learn how to have happy, healthy, and sustainable connected military marriages. Military marriages do not need to be disconnected. Military marriages do not need to have higher divorce rates than civilian marriages. So if you are in the military and you are married or if you're dating someone and they're in the military and you're wondering if you really want to get yourself involved in all of this, you are going to want to listen to this episode today.   Now, enjoy a few snippets from my conversation with Lindsey.   [Dr. Lindsey Cavanagh] I have worked with marriages outside of the military as well. And, certainly, marriage has challenges in and of itself, and some of them are very universal. I say when it comes to military marriages, one thing that comes up is like the deployments, you have the really long separations, whereas there are many careers that will take people away.   The other thing that really comes down to military marriages is the military members are trained in a very specific way to be successful at work or in combat or whenever they need to be. . . to be very emotionless, to be very problem-solution-oriented, to be very defensive in their positions. And so, again, all of those things are needed at work, but they don't always translate into a healthy marriage when you're trying to do things like compromise or when you're having emotions that need to be addressed, which really comes up in marriage. So that's another area that I find that's really specific to military because they are all trained in this way.   Spouses often say, I'm tired of being second priority. This is probably the number one thing that I help military spouses with because it comes up so often. They say, “I’m tired of my opinions and dreams not being validated.” One thing that I'll say to military spouses is you have to remember that the military does a really good job of giving constant information about what they need to do to advance their career and what kind of skills they need. They are constantly getting counseling about how and what to do to further their career so they are very confident in what needs to happen at work.    Military Spouses Have Needs Too   A lot of times, really what needs to happen is that we, as the military spouse, are really educating our spouse in terms of what we need and how they can support us. So often what I find is people will come to me and they say, “My spouse doesn't care. My spouse only cares about the military. They don't care about me.”  Nine times out of ten, when you really dig into it, the military service member cares a lot. And they actually, even in many ways, feel guilty.   This is where education from our side is needed, here is exactly how I want you to support me. Here is exactly how I want you to support the family. If I want my ideas and dreams to be considered when he's making his work decisions, I need to make sure that I'm telling him what those are. So really figuring out first what is it that you want from your spouse, how can your spouse support you, and then finding ways to start having those conversations.   My spouse was really relieved once I started doing this because now he knows what to do at home to make me feel special, loved and valued even when I don't have as much control over life like the military does. So I find that oftentimes it ends up being a really great thing. It's just you have to put in that initial work and be really clear about what it is you want and what it is you need.   Lindsey also talked at length about how to incorporate each other’s love languages into times of separation. Her insight was incredibly valuable and will help a lot of military marriages to stay connected even when they’re apart.    If you’d like this military marriage episode to turn into a series where I do several episodes for military spouses, then make sure that you hit me up on Instagram. Links Mentioned in this Episode Married to Military Deployment Survival Guide Learn more about Dr. Cavanagh   SUBSCRIBE | SHARE | RATE | COMMENT To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.  Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/ Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

Trust and Accountability in Marriage How many times you have thought, I need to keep my husband accountable or somebody needs to keep me accountable and help me to stop eating Ben and Jerry's at 10:30 at night. When we look at accountability in that way, we are completely missing the foundational truth of what accountability is all about. The definition of accountability is acceptance of responsibility for one's own actions or behaviors. Did you guys catch that? Some of you need to let that sink in. It's accepting responsibility for our own actions, our own behaviors, and our own thoughts. When we think about accountability being external, or being directed at somebody else, we have already started to infringe on somebody else's boundaries, and we are trying to manage that person's behavior.   In today’s episode we talk about how accountability should show up in your marriage or in your relationship and then how we can, first of all, keep ourselves accountable. If you're not willing to be accountable to yourself, chances are pretty slim that you're actually going to be accountable to somebody else. So how can you actually become accountable for your actions? And then if you are in a marriage or relationship, how then can you help to support your partner in helping them to be accountable?   4-Step Process to Accountability in Marriage   FocusU.com is a website that's dedicated to providing impactful and engaging learning methods. It's really more of a business website, but I love a lot of the knowledge that they provide and find it’s helpful for relationships too. According to them, they actually have a four-step process to accountability.   Step 1: See it Step 2: Own it Step 3: Solve it Step 4: Do it   You have to muster the courage to see it. To see what? To see whatever the behavior is, whatever the action is that you need to be accountable for. It takes courage to be honest. It takes courage to really look inside of ourselves and to say, you know what, maybe I'm not strong in this area or maybe I'm not as strong in this area as I think I am or as I hope to be. That takes courage and it takes humility to do that.   Next, we have to own it. Find it in your heart to own it. When I think about this, the word vulnerability comes to mind. Vulnerability goes a little beyond transparency; it takes it a step further where not only are you able to see me, not only am I showing you the truth of who I am, but I'm also willing to show you my heart, my internal motivations of why I do the things that I do. Not just looking at what I do, but why I do the things that I do. And so when we own it, then we have to be willing to be honest with ourselves, to deny our pride, and to be humble. We have to be willing to apologize for mistakes that we've made. That's all a part of owning it.    Thirdly, solve it. Obtain the wisdom to solve it. What does this mean? Put those boundaries in place if need be. It's super important that we understand how to set boundaries in marriage. Another part of solving it is getting the wisdom to solve the problem. Get coaching, get help, get an outside perspective. Read your Bible; just do something, and find solutions to solve the problems that you are facing.    Lastly, number four, do it. Exercise the means to do it. What does that mean? That means commit. Commit to doing the heart work. Commit to following through on your commitments. Okay, so now that you've gone through the steps, you've got the courage to see it, you've got the heart to own it. You're seeking out wisdom to solve it. Now you've got to commit to doing it.   Holding Your Spouse Accountable A part of accountability in marriage is sometimes helping to hold your spouse accountable. Some of these areas include decisions, finances, sexuality, and technology. The truth is, you can’t “hold your spouse accountable” if they won’t allow you to. If they are open to accountability, you must be willing to offer feedback (positive and negative) and follow through on appropriate consequences.    I hope this episode helps you to take your marriages to the next level, to begin to incorporate accountability as a welcome visitor, not like an expired tenant, in your relationship. Because without true accountability, there can truly be no trust. Accountability helps your partner, your spouse, to trust you. It helps you to be a trustworthy person. So embrace accountability and all of its facets in your marriage.   Resources Mentioned in this Episode Episode 48: Setting Realistic Expectations in Marriage Episode 49: Setting Boundaries in Marriage Wife Life Coaching Mastermind Follow Real Relationship Talk and Dana Che on Instagram!   SUBSCRIBE | SHARE | RATE | COMMENT To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media. Finally, please leave a rating and a comment on Apple Podcasts to let me know how this podcast is helping you and your relationships. I’m always open to guest suggestions and how I can make the show even better!  Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/ Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

10 Signs Your Spouse Might Be Having an Affair Do you have a gut-wrenching feeling that your partner is being unfaithful to you? In today's episode, I'm sharing some not so obvious signs that your spouse might be having an affair. How do you know if something is really going on or if you're just being overly suspicious? There are many tell-tale signs that will help you to determine if your marriage or relationship has become vulnerable or even victim to infidelity.  Don't Ignore the Red Flags It's important to not ignore the red flags. You know when something's off in your relationship, so instead of excusing it, deal with it. After you hear these ten warning signs, it may be difficult to have the hard conversation you need to have, but you must. Infidelity does not just go away on its own. Even if you never find out, the damage done to your relationship must eventually be addressed.  There's an old saying that says, "When you see the world through rose-colored glasses, even the red flags just look like flags." In other words, when we choose to have our head in the sand instead of being aware and wise, we will overlook obvious warning signs. 5 Tell-Tale Signs Your Partner is Being Unfaithful  Because you will glean so much more out of these warning signs when you listen to the full podcast, I'm only sharing five of the ten here in the show notes. In no particular order, five warning signs your partner or spouse is being unfaithful are as follows:  Money goes missing and/or they begin using ATMs all of the sudden  There is a lack of friendship, interest, or connection in your relationship Your partner becomes accusatory of your actions  They become obsessed with their looks  They start staying out late or taking extra “work trips” The other five signs are very eye-opening, so be sure to listen to the episode in its entirety.  I want to leave you with this: I truly believe that every relationship has the potential to heal from infidelity. You don't "have" to stay or reconcile, and there are time when you shouldn't. However, if you want to restore your marriage and are both willing to put in the work, it can work.    Links Mentioned in this Episode Episode 102: 12 Steps to Rebuilding Trust in Your Relationship When to Divorce Sign up for Wife Life   SUBSCRIBE | SHARE | RATE | COMMENT To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/ Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

4 Steps to H.E.A.L After a Broken Heart Has your heart been broken due to a painful relationship or have you had your trust violated? Most of us have been through this unfortunate situation at some time or another. It's never easy mending a broken heart, but it is always possible. In today's episode, I'm sharing four ways to heal your broken heart using my acronym: H.E.A.L. These four steps are simple but, I'll admit, not easy.  It's important to put to rest the myths concerning healing your broken heart if you are going to experience true and complete healing. You've heard the feel-good mantras like, "Time heals all wounds," or "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." While there may some truth to these, they don't give us the full picture.  Time is a good accelerator to healing but it doesn't actually heal you. Listen in as I describe how to actually begin and complete the healing process for your heart, whether you've been betrayed by a spouse, a loved one, a friend, or someone else. These principles apply to all situations.  And be sure to share this episode with someone who needs their heart to be healed too.  Links Mentioned in this Episode Episode 13: The Power of Forgiveness in Relationships Episode 102: 12 Steps to Rebuilding Trust in Your Relationship   SUBSCRIBE | SHARE | RATE | COMMENT To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/ Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

12 Steps to Rebuild Trust in Your Relationship Did you know that 1 in 4 marriages will experience infidelity? The good news is half of these marriages will survive it. Today, I'm giving you 12 steps to rebuild trust in your marriage or relationship. This is one episode you will want to refer back to should you find yourself in the unfortunate situation of affair recovery.  I truly believe that all is not lost when someone commits adultery. Your marriage or relationship can survive this, but you need an action plan in order to succeed.  You Need a Plan  You've heard the saying: "Most people don't plan to fail; they fail to plan." Well, that's exactly how affairs happen and that's also how couples whose attempts to rebuilding after an affair go sideways. Again, you need a plan of action.  Shaun and I know this path well. We've had to walk it out in our own lives. You can learn all about our journey of rebuilding our marriage after infidelity on Episode 3: Rebuilding Trust, Rebuilding Our Marriage.  All is not lost in your marriage, and I believe that you truly can rebuild trust after an affair. Now, let me show you how.   Other Links Mentioned in this Episode: Episode 88: The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in Relationships Episode 79: It Will Work If You Work It   SUBSCRIBE | SHARE | RATE | COMMENT To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/ Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.