Rebuilding Us: Marriage Podcast

How to Like Your Spouse When You Don’t Love Your Spouse   Do you ever wonder why you chose your husband or wife? You know you should love your spouse, but you don’t even like them. This episode is going to dive right into a thought that most married people have had at one point or another. “How can I love my spouse when I don’t even like him?” Truth be told, our feelings are fickle, and you should never allow your feelings alone to make decisions for you. You did like your spouse at some point. Remember? I can totally relate to the feeling, though. Due to the marriage problems Shaun and I had for so long, I had started to become hopeless, thinking there was no way I could ever look at him with love again. I didn’t like him. I was often angry. I had been hurt too much. The fact that we are still married (and going strong at that) 21 years later is a testament to the wonder and faithfulness of God! A Dangerous Prayer I remember back to five years or so into our marriage, I prayed a dangerous prayer: “Lord, teach me to love my husband like you do. Give me unconditional love.” I think that’s when the bottom fell out. I could not have imagined the trials we would encounter or the way God would take me up on my little prayer and teach me how to love . . . His way. God’s love is radical. It’s illogical. And we are so undeserving of it. He shows us this crazy, radical love and then asks us to show it to our spouse. And yes, you can do this even if you don’t like your spouse. Because love without risk isn’t love at all. In order for God to teach you how to love unconditionally, he has to show you people in their full humanity. #TweetThat. In order to learn to like your spouse again, you are going to have to be intentional to find ways to reconnect. So many marriages are in habitual disconnection, caught in the hustle and bustle of life or trapped by past mistakes and unforgiveness. We talked a great deal about unforgiveness in Episode 13: The Power of Forgiveness in Relationships. Be sure to listen to that one.   You can learn to like your spouse even if you don’t like him. A resource that might help you to do this is Keep Your Love On by Danny Silk. Shaun and I took our marriage small group through this book over the course of a year, and it was super beneficial.   In the meantime, keep listening to this podcast, and be sure to write me your questions to QandA@danache.com.   Do you need more support in your marriage? Give marriage coaching a try. I work with “solo spouses” and married couples alike.   Learn more about my coaching packages at http://danache.com/coaching.    Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/ Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

The way to fix your marriage problems is simpler than you think. Stop focusing on the problems in your marriage and start creating connection instead. When I heard marriage expert Mort Fertel say this in his program, Marriage Fitness, I was confused. How could my marriage change if I stopped trying to fix the problems that were destroying it? Could he be just another person promoting another program that would leave me in the same condition I was . . . hopeless? As I began listening to Mort’s wisdom and following the steps to “fixing my marriage problems” that he outlined in his program, Marriage Fitness, things did begin to change. I became more peaceful, powerful, and purposeful in the decisions I made in my marriage. Years later, after launching the Real Relationship Talk podcast, I knew I had to have Mort on the show. Why Most Marriage Counseling Doesn’t Work Mort does not believe the way most counselors provide marriage counseling works. He actually says, “The worst day of the week for many married couples is the day they go to marriage therapy together.” Can you relate? The reason, he says, is because the key to solving marital crisis isn’t in fixing what’s wrong (fixing your marriage problems), but in making new things right. Making new connections with your spouse is actually fun, productive, and far more effective than rehashing what’s wrong all the time. Married couples need to know that it takes a lot of work to make a marriage work. This shouldn’t be shocking. The best athletes, doctors, and professionals in the world all have coaches and intense training. Why should marriage be any different? If you want to fix your marriage problems and make your marriage last, you must be willing to commit to making new connections and building new habits. The core problem of every marriage is the same—a lack of connection. So work on that instead. The Truth about Fixing Your Marriage The truth about marriage is often painful, and many couples would rather go around in circles rather than being honest about how to fix their marriage. Yet, the key to having a great marriage isn’t in finding the right person (or trying to make your spouse better), but in becoming the right person (bettering yourself).   For more information on Mort Fertel and his marriage fitness program, visit https://marrriagefitness.com. To work with me as your marriage coach or for info on upcoming events, visit http://danache.com/coaching.    Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/ Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

  Did you know that shame is one of the silent killers of relationships? Many people deal with shame and don’t know it or don’t acknowledge its presence in their lives. Left unattended, shame causes disconnection, isolation, and destruction in our lives, marriage, and relationships. Why do so many people deal with shame? The answer is also the problem. They hide it. Truth be told, you can’t fix what you won’t face. Shame causes us to hide our true selves. We hide our emotions, needs, pain, and weaknesses from others, and sadly, some of us even hide these things from ourselves. In this podcast episode, we will uncover the work of shame in our lives and uncover ways to become more vulnerable. My husband, Shaun, joins me yet again for today’s conversation and as I stated in the intro, things got a little tense as we dug deeper into some of the areas shame has made its mark on our marriage. Knowing that you are suffering from shame is only half the battle. Once you realize its hold on you, it’s time to dismantle it. To help with this, I share four practices that helped me tremendously in my battle against shame: Reflection – Ask yourself the hard questions . . . When did I start feeling this way? What happened? Who told me I should be ashamed of myself? Empathy – We know that empathy is putting ourselves in the shoes of another and feeling someone’s pain. It’s very similar to grace. We often don’t show ourselves grace. When we learn to treat ourselves kinder, we will dismantle a lot of shame’s hold on our lives. Courage – Brene Brown says that, “Courage comes from a word meaning ‘heart.’ To live with courage, you need to be willing to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart.” I couldn’t agree more. We uncover and dismantle shame when we are willing to face the truth of who we really are. Affirmations – Knowing who you really are should be enlightening and encouraging! You are not your mistakes. You are not your past. You are who God says you are! Learning the truth of who you are in Christ makes all the difference in the world. Find out what He says about you and begin to say those same words over yourself. As we do the “heart work” of uncovering shame and discovering vulnerability, all of our relationships will change. You just watch.   Upcoming . . . Married ladies, I’d love to see you at our upcoming workshop: Married Women’s Rights & Wrongs on December 15th. Join us LIVE in-person or online. Tickets are on sale now at http://danache.com/coaching. Be sure to register today!   Next week’s podcast episode features marriage expert, Mort Fertel, author of the book Marriage Fitness.   Let’s stay in touch! Follow me on Instagram or Facebook.   Have a question about your marriage or relationship? Email me at QandA@danache.com.      Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/ Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

Did you know that couples who vacation together have healthier, happier relationships compared to those who don’t? Could it be that getting away actually helps keep you together? Ustravel.org reports that “Couples who travel together have healthier, happier relationships compared to those who do not, according to a survey from the U.S. Travel Association. Couples in a romantic relationship report traveling together makes them significantly more likely to be satisfied in their relationships, communicate well with their partners, enjoy more romance, have a better sex life, spend quality time together and share common goals and desires. Shaun and I had only been married a few years when we decided we were going to prioritize vacations in our relationship. What a difference it has made! Life is busy and is full of mundane, ordinary responsibilities. When you go away together, you rekindle something, something that is so easily lost in the everyday hustle and bustle of life. Even vacationing with your children can be therapeutic . . . I’m being serious. Family bonding works wonders for your marriage as well. In this podcast, I share several travel tips that have helped Shaun and me to save money while still prioritizing our commitment to vacation. Tips like: Using the Hopper app to save time on booking airline flights Booking through the hotel or resort directly Searching for unadvertised deals Being flexible with your dates And one supercalifragilisticexpialidocious travel tip that you must listen to the podcast episode to glean! No matter how or when or how much money you save when you vacation, take it from Nike, and JUST DO IT! Your marriage and your family deserve it! Have a relationship or marriage question you’d like me to answer? Email me at qanda@danache.com. And be sure to check out my relationship coaching packages and events at http://danache.com/coaching.  Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/ Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

Are you struggling with the fear of rejection, fear of intimacy, fear of failure, or a fear of commitment in your relationship? Do you sometimes wonder why you can’t connect deeply with the person you love? In today’s episode, my husband, Shaun, and I tackle these 4 major fears and help married couples and singles decode the reason many people self-sabotage their own relationships. Love can be scary. It’s risky, and there are no guarantees. The very fact that love is not “controllable,” is reason enough for some folks to remain shallow and fickle in their relationships. I think of a time when our youngest son was afraid to go into the deep end at the local pool. He wanted to stay in the shallow end where the dangers were minimized. The problem is the shallow end gets boring after a while, and the rest of the family wanted to go deeper. Sadly, many people act like my son did that day. They forgo deeply connected marriages and relationships because of fear. Once you recognize how these fears are affecting your relationship, it’s time to rid yourself of them. I share four simple solutions on how to do just this. Learn to embrace uncertainty. Brene Brown says, “the opposite of faith isn’t fear, it’s certainty.” Life isn’t certain, and love is a risk. In order for love to exist, you must take a risk. Heal from your past. This may require deep soul searching and/or working things out with a counselor or relationship coach. Silence your inner critic and replace your language. Steven Furtick, pastor of Elevation Church, wrote the book Crash the Chatterbox to help us tackle those limiting beliefs. Be careful of how you talk to yourself about yourself. Take the courageous next step forward. How do you scale a mountain? One step at a time. Don’t try to tackle all your relationship problems at once. Examine which fears are holding you back and tackle one at a time.   Would you like a relationship coach? Be sure to check out my coaching packages at http://danache.com/coaching. And finally, grab your free copy of The 5 Relationship Mistakes that are Wrecking Your Life today!   Thanks for listening to today’s episode. I appreciate your ratings and reviews!  Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/ Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

If you’ve been a real relationship with someone, chances are that person has likely offended or hurt you at some point and you’ve had to choose to forgive . . . or not. Sadly, many relationships end not because of an offense but because of the offended person’s inability to forgive. Forgiving someone who hurt you isn’t easy. As a matter of fact, the closer the relationship, the harder it is, sometimes, to extend forgiveness. In this podcast episode, my husband, Shaun, and I share from our own experience on times when we chose forgiveness. And, newsflash, it is work! However, there are a few quotes that I hang onto when I’m tempted to hold on to an offense and withhold forgiveness from someone: First, Nelson Mandela writes in his book, Long Walk to Freedom, “As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn’t leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I’d still be in prison." That.Is.Deep. When you chose to walk in forgiveness, you are literally walking out of a prison cell yourself. On the contrary, when you choose to hold on to unforgiveness, you remain locked in a prison cell of your own choosing. Secondly, Martin Luther King Jr. reminds us that, “He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love." You can’t really say you love someone if you aren’t willing to forgive him/her. Lastly, the words of Jesus Christ himself should send shivers down our spine when we realize that, “But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins” (Matthew 6:5). I don’t know about you, but unforgiveness is a cost that I am unwilling to pay. It’s too expensive! Holding on to unforgiveness costs you true joy, peace, and relational wholeness. It just isn’t worth it. As a reminder, on each episode I will be answering a listener question on a segment I’m calling Q & A with Dana Che. Today’s question comes from an anonymous Facebook listener who wrote, “My wife and I have been struggling to rebuild our marriage for a long time. I am starting to lose hope. I don’t think I will ever be able to trust her again even though I am desperately trying. How can I trust her when she continues to keep things from me?” What a loaded question. You’ll have to be sure to tune in to the end of the podcast for my answer. Hint, hint, we covered this in detail on episode 3: Rebuilding Our Marriage, Rebuilding Trust.   Download your free e-book:  The 5 Relationship Mistakes that are Wrecking Your Life. Thank you for rating and reviewing this podcast! I appreciate your support!Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/ Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

It's a true fact that many people compare their relationship to someone else's. But what we don't talk about is how we compare ourselves to our partners. Comparison in relationships damages the joy, the appreciation, and the forward progression. We've all heard it said that the grass isn't green on the other side; it's green where you water it. And that is true. But what is also true is that when you learn to see your partner's strengths as assets that don't take anything away from you, you will be much less likely to compare yourself to them. I see this happen all the time in marriage. One spouse is better with finances or is more hospitable than the other. Instead of appreciation the differences, if spouses aren't careful, they can begin playing the comparison game. And real talk, there are no winners in the comparison game. It's not about being better than anyone else. Growing in relationships is about being better than you were yesterday.  My husband, Shaun, and I discuss how we have compared ourselves to each other in our marriage and the fallout it created. We also talk about how I compared our marriage to someone else's relationship and again . . . the fallout it created. Here's the thing: Shaun and I disagree on some aspects of comparing when it comes to unmet needs. You'll have to listen to hear us hash it out. In the meantime, be sure to download your free copy of the 5 Relationship Mistakes that are Wrecking Your Life and let us help you avoid these pitfalls in whatever relationship you find yourself in.  Download your copy here --> 5 Relationship Mistakes that are Wrecking Your Life  Like this podcast? Be sure to rate and review it and let me know what you think! Interested in working with Dana as your relationship coach? --> Danache.com/CoachingSupport the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/ Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

Are you steadily losing interest in your marriage or relationship? Have past hurts, disappointments, or rejection taken its toll on you or your partner? Join me and my husband, Shaun, today, for a conversation about apathy and how it is silently killing your marriage or relationships. Apathy is one of the undetected obstacles that plague many relationships. A partner is repeatedly offended and instead of continuing to move toward his/her spouse, he/she begins to clam up and move away from (or disconnect from his/her spouse. Left unattended that indifference becomes a lack of interest that will threaten to keep you emotionally (and eventually physically) seperated. Many married couples (and those who aren't yet married) experience bouts of apathy and indifference. Is that normal? I would venture to say that there will always be some level of drifting in every relationship, but when it becomes prolonged, that's when it becomes a major problem. Shaun and I share from our experience on how hurt feelings, the silent treatment, and misunderstandings nearly destroyed our intimacy.  This is one conversation all married people need to hear. Your relationship is worth your time, energy, and attention. Don't allow the fear of rejection or past wounds to steal from the beautiful possibilities of what can be.  Stay with us as we launch season 2 of the podcast where we will dive into all five relationship mistakes that are wrecking your life from my newest ebook, The 5 Relationship Mistakes that are Wrecking Your Life. Get your copy here --> http://danache.com/relationshipmistakes. Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/ Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

Communication problems are the #1 reason most couples cite when separating or divorcing. But don't be fooled, every couple communicates . . . you just might not do it well. Today's episode features marriage pastor Richard and his wife Deanna Millentree who wrote the book, Face to Face: Conversation Starters for Couples, as a way to help those in marriages or relationships to learn how to have healthy communication and better ways to reconnect to one another. This conversation will help you determine what story you are telling yourself, how to give your partner the benefit of the doubt, and how to say what you really feel without judgment or shame.Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/ Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

Are you looking to have an extraordinary marriage? What if I told you that scheduling sex, being intentional with your intimacy, and having fun with your spouse were some of the top secrets of couples who enjoy a good marriage? Don’t just take my word for it. On todays’s episode, Tony and Alisa DiLorenzo of the One Extraordinary Marriage podcast grace us with their bold, effective marriage advice and help us to understand how to connect with a disconnected spouse, how to take the guesswork out of creating intimacy, and what six pillars every healthy marriage needs in order to thrive.Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/ Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.