Rebuilding Us: Marriage Podcast

Love, Laughs, & Old School Relationship Advice (Single AF Series) - with Comedian Ms. Maebelle   Away with this millennial dating advice! We’re taking it old school today and bringing our favorite comedian, Ms. Maebelle, to the podcast to give us some old-school dating and relationship advice. Now, if you've never heard of Ms. Maebelle, think of a kinder, gentler version of cultural icon Madea. Sometimes you need that “seasoned wisdom” to help you navigate through the stormy relationship waters. Ms. Maebelle delivers just the sauce we needed. I wanted to get her wisdom on what women (especially) should be doing while they’re awaiting Mr. Right (or Boaz, as he’s known in Christian circles). I also asked her about her thoughts on the over-sexualization of women and her best dating tips. Here are some highlights we discussed in this episode.   Finding Your Purpose as a Single Woman Similar to what our guest Vernicia Eure shared on episode 32- The Art of Becoming Happily Single, Ms. Maebelle advised women who are waiting to be married (or at least waiting to find the right man) should busy themselves with a purpose. Don’t just stand around, aimlessly doing nothing. Be busy. She took us to the book of Ruth in the Bible and explained how Ruth busied herself enough to catch the attention of Boaz. John Sims, from episode 31- 5 Qualities Single Men Look for in a Single Woman brought this point home as well. Ladies, listen up. Being focused on your goals, passions, and pursuits is highly attractive to a secure and responsible man.   Is Modest Hottest? There was a phrase back in the day (speaking of old-school relationship advice) that suggested “modest is hottest.” Basically, modesty is the highest form of hotness. While the word “modest” carries some baggage, I do believe that women shouldn’t bear all their goods to just anyone. Ms. Maebelle reminded us that men have good imaginations, and they like a little bit of mystery when it comes to a woman. Most respectable men do not want the woman they are looking to settle down with to dress too provocatively. But even if he does, ladies, there is something really intriguing about a woman who carries herself well and leaves some things to the imagination.   Cooking, Cleaning, and Bearing Children, Oh My! Old-school relationship advice wouldn’t be complete without a laundry list of all the things women should be doing in the house, primarily the kitchen. Ms. Maebelle believes that women need to know how to cook and clean to win a husband. I pushed back on this a bit because in my marriage, both my husband and I share household responsibilities. Still, there are some who are more traditional, and keeping a clean house is a good thing every adult (male or female) should learn to do, in my opinion.   Best and Worst Relationship Advice We ended the podcast by discussing some of the best and worst relationship advice Ms. Maebelle had given and received. Her answers were pretty hilarious. What’s the best and worst relationship advice you’ve ever received? The thing that I love about older people is they shoot from the hip. Most don’t mince words, but rather they tell it like it is. Although this episode was all in fun, Ms. Maebelle did drop some truth bombs. Let me encourage you at this time to spend time, if possible, with your grandparents. They are deep wells of wisdom and give some of the greatest, most practical relationship advice you’ll hear, especially if they themselves have a solid relationship.   Links Mentioned in this Episode   Follow Ms. Maebelle on Facebook       SUBSCRIBE | SHARE | RATE | COMMENT To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media. Finally, please leave a rating and a comment on Apple Podcasts to let me know how this podcast is helping you and your relationships. I’m always open to guest suggestions and how I can make the show even better!                      Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/ Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

How Guys Think – A Single Man Bares All   I’m often asked by single women listeners of the podcast “what do single men think about?” Does he really not understand the female mind? Why won’t he commit? How do I know if he’s really into me? Questions about how guys think abound (a quick Google search will affirm this) and compelled me to invite my guest, Avery Martin, to the podcast today. I wanted to go straight to the source to find out how guys think. Avery is an everyday man who is very intentional about how he does relationships and what he’s looking for in a woman. Avery allowed us a peek into the mind of the single man to hopefully shed some light on just how single men think.   Why Don’t Men Share Their Feelings?   Many women want to know why it’s so hard for men to open up and share their feelings. We know that men have emotions, but many seem to have trouble letting us in to their heart. Avery offered great insight by explaining that if a man doesn’t feel safe to share, or if he feels what he shares will be thrown back at him later, he’ll never open up. I asked what the fear behind the man not opening up, and Avery shared that it is partially due to culture telling men they have to be strong, but it’s also that some men don’t know how to process their emotions within themselves, therefore, they can’t share them with a woman they’re in a relationship with. We also talked about how guys think about being intimidated by women, especially since I just focused on this topic in my last episode with Mandy Hale.   What Does Equality in Relationships Look Like to You?   When it comes to relationship roles, some men are more traditional, while other men are more progressive. I wanted to know Avery’s take on how guys think equality in relationships should look like. He stated that in dating relationships, equality is most demonstrated in the level of effort each partner initiates. It’s no secret that most women love to be pursued by their men. However, according to Avery, she should still make a genuine effort in the relationship as well. One of the tricky parts is that everyone seems to have a different definition of dating, which can obviously cause communication problems and disappointments and can lead to folks finding themselves in “situationships” they never intended on being in.   Is He Really Interested?   Most of us have seen the hit movie He’s Just Not That Into You (2009). Sadly, because some men have led women on with no intention of commitment, many women are still asking this question of the men they’re dating. Just recently, a woman emailed me to ask if she should move on or continue dating a man who is giving her mixed signals about their relationship. Avery didn’t mince words here: basically, he says, if a man is interested in a woman, she will know it. He will make his intentions known. This is going to be a hard pill for some ladies to swallow because many men give off mixed signals. However, ladies, take this advice to heart. Stop pining over a man who isn’t letting his intentions be clearly known.   Maintaining Celibacy in Your Singleness   Avery shared some very practical steps he takes in his quest to maintain celibacy in his singleness. I thought this part of the conversation on how guys think was really helpful to those who also want to devote their attention to other things than sex. It takes a lot of focus and effort, Avery said, but it also keeps a lot of problems and unnecessary ties to people at bay. While not all Christian singles are practicing celibacy, many are. Avery brought up the term “delayed gratification,” which is so important to cultivate in these conversations.   Some helpful tips on how to maintain celibacy: Surround yourself with a support group who you can be accountable to and encouraged by. Find something else to divert your “energy.” Be careful about the music, movies, and other media you consume. Date other singles who have the same value for sexual integrity that you do.   Listen to the full podcast and hear Avery explain how guys think about “short-term fun” girls and so much more by clicking on the player above.   Links Mentioned in this Episode Find Avery on Instagram   Register for My Upcoming Boundaries Workshop     SUBSCRIBE | SHARE | RATE | COMMENT To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media. Finally, please leave a rating and a comment on Apple Podcasts to let me know how this podcast is helping you and your relationships. I’m always open to guest suggestions and how I can make the show even better!          Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/ Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

Finding Love Without Losing Yourself (Single AF Series) – with Mandy Hale   For singles looking for love, the dating scene can be a doozy. Online dating is at an all-time high, and while many singles are out here interviewing spouses, others are quite content in “situationships” that lead to nowhere. The Single Woman, herself, Mandy Hale is on the podcast today and wants to help you singles to find love without losing yourself. Her latest book, Don’t Believe the Swipe: Finding Love Without Losing Yourself isn’t just a dating manual; it’s a self-love manual for single people. Mandy is a New York Times Best-Selling author and social media powerhouse. She has appeared on Oprah’s Lifeclass Tour, spoken at Women of Faith and TD Jake’s Woman Thou Art Loosed!   Mandy shares candid dating stories that will leave you bewildered at the brazenness of some of her suitors. But she seems to take it all in stride. She’s been doing this dating thing long enough to know that not every connection is a love connection, and she’s okay with that. Mandy reminds us that dating is supposed to be fun; it’s supposed to be a way of learning about people and yourself. Thus, she knows how to help singles recover from the constant pressure of what she calls “the swipe.”   Don’t Believe the Swipe Mandy explains that the swipe is the incessant pressure put on singles to measure their worth by their relationship status. If a single woman is worried about why she isn’t being matched with more people on the online dating apps, or if a single man is focused on the next woman while in a relationship with someone else, they’re believing the swipe. Dating can be very superficial, and singles can find themselves getting too caught up in their heads, wondering why they’re being ghosted or rejected. They can internalize other people’s reactions to the point of beginning to feel negative about themselves.   Dating isn’t just about being matched with someone. It’s about learning to love yourself and being confident in who you are. That’s what finding love without losing yourself is all about.   Reclaiming the Joy of the Single Life We’ve talked about finding joy in the single life on other podcast episodes, namely the episode on In-Between Relationships. There is nothing wrong with being single. Not. One. Thing. Instead of constantly searching for “the one,” Mandy encourages singles to focus on being the one, but not for someone else. Be the one for you. Enjoy this stage of your life. Cherish it. The Apostle Paul says in I Corinthians 7:7, “Sometimes I wish everyone were single like me—a simpler life in many ways! But celibacy is not for everyone any more than marriage is. God gives the gift of the single life to some, the gift of the married life to others” (The Message).   Churches can help singles to feel more comfortable and connected, and both Many and I had some great ways to make this happen.   The Intimidation Factor If you are a successful, confident, single woman, you’ve maybe heard a man tell you that you’re “intimidating.” Mandy dedicates and entire chapter in her book to this topic, and we also addressed it at length on the podcast. In a nutshell, a guy telling a girl she’s intimidating is an excuse. “If a guy is truly meant for you, nothing is going to be able to keep him away,” Mandy says. With that in mind, it should take some of the pressure off of finding love. Ladies, you are not too much. You do not need to dumb yourself down, dim your light, or commit any other acts of sacrifice against yourself. If a man can’t handle your awesomeness, tell him to keep it moving.   This was a great conversation with Mandy, and I’m grateful to have had her on the show!   Notable Moments in the Podcast   [9:15]: An in-depth definition of “the swipe”   [15:25]: Instead of asking if he/she likes you, do you even like him/her?   [20:42]: Finding joy in the single life   [23:04]: How churches can do better at celebrating single people   [28:29]: The myth of the intimidation factor   [36:20]: What keeps a man away if he’s into you   [37:00]: Some modern dating definitions   Links Mentioned in this Episode   Mandy Hale’s Website   Follow Mandy (@TheSingleWoman) on Instagram and Twitter   Purchase Mandy’s Book: Don’t Believe the Swipe: Finding Love Without Losing Yourself   Register for My Upcoming Boundaries Workshop     SUBSCRIBE | SHARE | RATE | COMMENT To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media. Finally, please leave a rating and a comment on Apple Podcasts to let me know how this podcast is helping you and your relationships. I’m always open to guest suggestions and how I can make the show even better!                    Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/ Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

In-Between Relationships: Becoming Confident & Gaining Clarity (Single AF) – with Videllia and Melissa   Today, we have the love blogger herself, who needs no last name, Videllia on the podcast as we continue our #SingleAF series. But I also wanted my friend Melissa Seaman on the show because, while Videllia is well-versed in handling relationships, Melissa has yet to jump into the dating waters. Videllia helps to empower single women who are looking to build healthy relationships, so I thought this conversation needed to happen.   I wanted to know if these ladies felt pressure to be married and if so, where that pressure came from. Videllia went first, and stated that she didn’t feel pressure from family but rather the culture at large where there seems to be an over-arching focus on relationships. Melissa also feel the pressure to get married and have kids, but not from her family. She actually became enthralled in her parents’ romance story, and they served as great examples to her. They taught her to find herself in God’s big plan and to be selective in choosing a man. But she put pressure on herself after watching most of her friends and even her two younger brothers get married. Both ladies agreed that, “Even if you’re not raised to put that pressure on yourself to get married, you put pressure on yourself.”   Settling for Mr. Alright One of the most detrimental things women do in between relationships is settling for who I call “Mr. Alright.” Usually, the woman is tired of waiting for “the one” (i.e. Mr. Right), so she reasons and bargains her way down to some man who meets just enough of her standards. This usually has disastrous results. Of course, no man is perfect, and you likely won’t find every single thing you’re looking for in one person, but I implore you, ladies, do not settle for Mr. Alright. Videllia asserts, “I desire marriage but my desire isn’t so high that I’m willing to settle just to say I have somebody.”   Waiting is hard, and you have to develop contentment.  Videllia admits that she’s not always content in her singleness.  Much like my friend Vernicia said on Episode 32 on becoming content in your singleness.   “It’s easier to be more selective when you’re not giving up the cookies.” -  Videllia   How to Put Yourself Out There Without Appearing Desperate   Melissa has never been in a relationship but appreciated how Vidella encouraged her to put herself out there. Videllia shared some nuggets on learning to become vocal without becoming the pursuer. This is something single women need to get good at doing. Gaining clarity and becoming confident to speak up and assert yourself in a relationship is important. But too often, women (and men, for that matter) don’t speak up out of fear of rejection and fear of being hurt. Videllia talked about how we don’t always deal with the hurt, but instead mask it. We know that doesn’t work in the long term, but sadly, many people still do it. Toward the end of the episode, I led Videllia in giving Melissa a mini-coaching session on what Melissa deemed her problem with the “Friend Zone.”   The Friend Zone   The friend zone is when two people have a friendship and one of them “catches feelings” for the other, and after sharing said feelings realize the feelings are not reciprocal. How painfully frustrating this can be. Many singles experience this after they have been a loyal and attentive friend to someone who just isn’t interested in the same way. I liked how Videllia encouraged Melissa to not fall into the role of a girlfriend for someone who’s just your friend.   Notable Moments Along Our Conversation: [6:30]: The pressure singles feel from others to get married [9:14]: Taking your time to make sure you’re compatible with some (especially spiritually compatible) [24:42]: Why some women are afraid to put themselves out there [28:01]: Learning how to be clear on what you’re looking for in a partner [31:50]: How to handle a man who keeps you in the friend zone   Links Mentioned in this Episode Videllia’s Website Follow Videllia on Instagram Follow Videllia on Facebook Follow Videllia on Youtube   Register for My Upcoming Boundaries Workshop     SUBSCRIBE | SHARE | RATE | COMMENT To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.   Finally, please leave a rating and a comment on Apple Podcasts to let me know how this podcast is helping you and your relationships. I’m always open to guest suggestions and how I can make the show even better!  Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/ Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

The Life of a Single Mom (Single AF) – with Jennifer Maggio   At the young age of 19, Jennifer had been pregnant four times. Two miscarriages and two kids later, she was stuck in an abusive, toxic relationship. This was just the beginning of her story and the creation of The Life of a Single Mom. Growing up, Jennifer was dealt a hard blow when her mother was killed at age 32. From there, she experienced abuse in every form. Her father was an angry alcoholic, and Jennifer endured verbal, emotional, physical, and sexual trauma. Though her father was not the one who sexually abused her, Jennifer experienced the other forms of abuse in his household and learned how to “fake it” in front of church people. The family attended church, but as Jennifer put it, “Sundays was a façade, but the rest of your life didn’t comingle with that.”   The Turning Point All the trauma that Jennifer endured came to a head when as she says, “I huddled on the bathroom floor contemplating taking my own life.” Life had gotten to a point where Jennifer didn’t want to go on. But she also didn’t want her young children to grow up without a mom, as she had experienced. The turning point came for Jennifer when she started attending church again. Feeling like such an outsider, she pressed through, even miserably, week after week. But then something shifted. Jennifer left her abusive relationship but still wanted God to change her boyfriend so they could be together. One day she heard the Lord say, “Stop asking me to change your boyfriend’s heart, and start asking me to change you.” #micdrop   Jennifer began to take her faith seriously and through a long process, she began to grow spiritually and break the soul ties she had with her abusive ex-boyfriend.   The Origin of the Life of a Single Mom Jennifer found her home in corporate America and was doing great things there. She was making more money than she ever had before and was steadily climbing the coveted corporate ladder. But then God reminded her of her true calling. She knew she had to help other single moms to get free. She wasn’t a savior, but she believed God would use her pain for these moms’ purposes. She realized that “the freedom takes longer than the rescue.” What a powerful statement.   In 2007, in a southern living room, Jennifer and three other single moms met for what would become the first support group of The Life of a Single Mom, a non-profit ministry dedicated to providing support groups and education in three core areas: parenting, finances, and health & wellness. A little over 10 years, 1600+ support groups, and nearly 700,000 women later, Jennifer is fulfilling the vision. She got emotional when I asked her if she ever envisioned how big The Life of a Single Mom would be. I am touched by Jennifer’s humility. She knows that none of this is possible without the steady hand and guidance of the Lord. Hope for Single Moms While Jennifer has an extraordinary testimony, this, of course, is not the story of every single mom. Some single moms go through even worse challenges, and some are managing just fine. The hope for single moms, whatever station they may be in, is that you can make it through. You can get unstuck. You can leave old patterns behind. And God can restore whatever is broken. We celebrate the courage, tenacity, and resilience of single moms today, and I’m so grateful to Jennifer Maggio for launching the amazing ministry of The Life of a Single Mom. May it be so that no single mom walks alone.     Links Mentioned in this Episode Learn all about The Life of a Single Mom Help for Single Moms 25 Ways to Serve Single Moms   Register for My Upcoming Boundaries Workshop     SUBSCRIBE | SHARE | RATE | COMMENT To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.   Finally, please leave a rating and a comment on Apple Podcasts to let me know how this podcast is helping you and your relationships. I’m always open to guest suggestions and how I can make the show even better!  Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/ Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

The Art of Becoming Happily Single Today we’re helping singles learn how to be happy and single. I’m calling it the art of becoming "happily single." Joining me on the podcast is my dear friend, Vernicia Eure, who, though she’s never been married has learned to be content with being single. This isn’t an easy feat, but Vernicia explains how she realized that God had a plan through some of the relationships that didn’t work out. “I’ve learned to be content,” Vernicia says, “but sometimes I’m not all that happy about it.” Vernicia took her experiences and decided to help other single women in their process of learning how to be happily single themselves with the creation of her Stepping into Purity Facebook group. “What if you’re not supposed to be in a relationship right now?” Vernicia asks the ladies in her group.   Single vs Married – The Grass is Greener on the Other Side Far too often, people think the grass is greener on the other side. Single people want to be married, and married people want to be single. Wouldn’t it be great if we just all learned how “to be content in whatever state we are in” like the apostle Paul encourages us in the Bible (Philippians 4:11). Friends, the grass is not greener on the other side. It’s greener where you water it most. Maybe the question is how are you watering the single life you’ve been given? Maybe it’s time to stop looking over the fence and, instead, begin to truly embrace this season in your life and focus on learning how to be happily single.   What Real Purity Is in Relationships Many single people have been confused or even hurt by the so-called “purity culture movement” that was all the rage back in the 1980s and 90s. True purity, however, has more to do with a surrendered heart than behavior. Should Christian singles engage in online dating? Should they watch certain movies? How should you respond to the oversaturation of sex in our culture? Vernicia talks about the importance of realizing purity goes beyond sexual purity and encompasses mental, relational, and spiritual purity as well. She gives a really great explanation of this around 21:00 mark of the episode. Vernicia reminds us that you can be “sex-free,” but still need to engage in other aspects of real purity by celebrating your authenticity and embracing where you are in your life now instead of using sex as a cover for you not knowing yourself or your values. Because I’ve known Vernicia for 30+ years and have been able to watch her life, I can attest that she practices what she preaches.   Links Mentioned in this Episode Connect with Vernicia on Facebook or Instagram Pre-Order Vernicia’s Book Stepping Into Purity Register for My Boundaries Workshop   SUBSCRIBE | SHARE | RATE | COMMENT To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.   Finally, please leave a rating and a comment on Apple Podcasts to let me know how this podcast is helping you and your relationships. I’m always open to guest suggestions and how I can make the show even better!Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/ Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

5 Qualities a Kingdom-Minded Single Man is Looking for in a Single Woman (Single AF Series) – with John Sims   If there’s one question single women who are looking for a serious relationship are asking, it’s “Where are all the good, single men?” Today, my guest, John Sims, shares with us five qualities a kingdom-minded single man is looking for in a single woman. But first, he talked about his epiphany of why he was rejecting women early in his relationships. It has to do with his own sense of abandonment and rejection. This revelation is going to set some of you single folks free today.   John then debunked the myth that women get emotionally attached faster than men. He told us that men actually get emotionally attached just as quickly, but don’t always show it. Speaking of some of his own heartbreaks, John said he believes that emotional pain is actually more detrimental than physical pain, because while the body heals itself naturally, we need help healing from emotional pain. I really agree with him there. He then reminded us that the best romantic relationships begin with the best friendships and encourages singles to focus on building a solid friendship before jumping into a romantic relationship.   What Single Men are Looking for in a Single Woman   Now, for the main course of this podcast, John laid out five qualities single men are looking for in a single woman. Here they are:   She should be exclusive but not impossible to connect with She should be available but not desperate She should be an asset not a liability She should know how to present herself well She should be humble yet confident   Should you single ladies feel his qualities are “doing the most,” don’t worry, I believe these are qualities most of you already exude. And if there’s something on this list that troubles you, consider asking yourself why you’re bothered before dismissing his suggestions.   John is a leader in his church, and you’ll hear him talk about the single lifestyle through a biblical lens. He correlates Ruth and Esther in a way I’ve never heard talked about from a single man. I thought that was good stuff! You’ll find this gold around the 19:05 mark. He then talked about how single women who are looking for single men need to “update your browser settings.” He said you’re looking for new qualities using old filters. That was dope.   How to Not Have Sex as a Single Person   Listen, I know it’s rough out here in these streets. I know many Christian single men and women want to honor God and remain celibate or chaste (and not have sex) until you’re married. I also know the majority of you are struggling with this. John has been chaste for 10 years. Ten.Years. #YouCanDoItJesusCanHelp. He quotes his bishop as saying, “The reason some of you keep falling out of the bed is because you’re sleeping too close to the edge.” #micdrop. All of this talking about boundaries and making wise decisions was prefaced by John’s explanation of how we are three-part beings and, therefore, he wants to connect with a single woman in three ways: spiritually, intellectually/emotionally, and physically.   So, ladies and gents, the next time you find yourself settling for 1 of the 3 or 2 of the 3, don’t. If you want to be married, there are good single men out there! After you’ve prayed and listened to this podcast episode a few times, update your browser settings and look again.   Praying for you.   Resources: Connect with John Sims on Instagram at @johnjaysims.   Read my blog post on Confident or Cocky   Listen to this episode on “How these Hidden Fears are Ruining Your Relationships”   Top 10 Places to Meet Christian Singles by TrueLoveDates.com   Be sure to rate and review this podcast on Apple and Spotify!Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/ Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

Commuter Marriage: How Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder   Today, I’m talking with Abe & Elaine Romero about the pros and cons of commuter marriages. The Romeros have been living apart for their entire four-year marriage and plan to continue their unique marriage arrangement for at least another four years. We've all heard that absence makes the heart grow fonder, but why? The Romeros have figured it out. Both previously divorced, Abe and Elaine decided to keep their own houses in separate states (he lives in Texas, she lives in California) after they got married mostly because of their shared five children. They didn’t think it was fair to uproot the kids, especially after they’d all been through hard divorces. We talk all about their decision to maintain separate lives while also coming together often. It’s the classic case of how absence can make the heart grow fonder, not farther. A marriage and family therapist with Safe Harbor Counseling Center, Elaine knows a thing or two about how to create a successful relationship.   Commuter Marriage Pros and Cons With anything in life, there will be pros and cons . . . reasons why you should and shouldn’t do something. Elaine explained that one of the pros of their commuter marriage is the excitement of being together. We married people tend to take each other for granted, so the absence actually helps make their times together more meaningful. Both Abe and Elaine spoke of having a deeper connection and better sex when they get together.   On the flip side, living apart presents its challenges as well. The biggest challenge being the loss of physical connection. That hug, squeeze, or comforting shoulder to cry on isn’t there. There’s also the trust factor. I asked the Romeros if they had trust issues, and they both answered very honestly. Elaine has experienced infidelity in her past marriage, so trust issues can be a trigger for her. She referenced Susan Johnson, who is a known proponent of emotionally-focused therapy,  as saying, “The true warriors are those who sign up again after past betrayals.” The truth is trust can be an issue whether you’re in the same house or not.   Getting Creative While Living Apart One of my favorite parts of our conversation was hearing how the Romeros use the absence to make their hearts grow fonder by getting creative with date nights. Abe explained how the couple will do “who plated it best” contests. They’ll cook the same meal together on the phone and then show each other how they plated it. How fun! The families also do family movie nights, family Zoom calls, and even online tours (they’ve been to Italy virtually!) and online concerts.   We laughed a lot during this podcast conversation, and I remarked to Elaine, later, that it felt like we were just old friends chatting on the phone. Laughter is truly some good medicine and can be yet another thing that makes the heart grow stronger, especially when you’re apart.   Resources:   Love is in the Air Podcast – Abe & Elaine’s podcast   Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage by Mark Gungor     This episode was sponsored by The Intimately Us app. Download yours today!    Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/ Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

Revealing & Healing Sexual Abuse – with Dr. Jessica McCleese Here’s the truth: either you or someone you know has been victimized by sexual abuse. It’s a sad reality that most of us hate talking about. But if we don’t talk about it, the stigma and shame will continue its cycle in our hearts and relationships. Joining me on the podcast for this important and urgent conversation is my friend, Dr. Jessica McCleese, a psychologist and sex therapist. Jessica tells us her personal story of being sexually molested and abused and the havoc those experiences wreaked on her psyche. But she’s not alone. I, too, in a rare conversation, talk about my experience with sexual abuse and the damage it began to have on my marriage. But God.   So many women and men silently struggle with identity issues, guilt, confusion, embarrassment, shame, anger, and an array of other emotions because of sexual abuse. And many still won’t talk about it. I want to do my part to help people begin the path of healing and freedom from sexual abuse. Statistics show that 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men are sexually abused by the time they turn 18.[1] That’s a LOT of us!   Naturally, as I was wrapping up the All About Sex series, I concluded this was a topic that could be off limits no longer. We need real, honest, and helpful conversations about sexual abuse that will help single and married people to overcome all its damaging effects.   A Survivor’s Story A few years ago, my friend, Terri, shared a spoken word at a women’s conference at our church entitled Story. Terri, too, is a survivor. With her permission, I am sharing her spoken word with you. May you find comfort in reading it:   She sits in distress concerned and under arrest She, sits in her pretty pink dress, afraid to tell her mom because she’d make a mess of things She’s six and he… he cornered her. She’s not even old enough to write legible, his decibels rang in her ear: “TOUCH IT!”   She sits in distress Concerned and under arrest Her heart beats out of her chest She’s too young to be shaken from the nest, but Satan’s jest was to destroy her…   And soon - her reality became a mental and physical battle of sexual brutality As her molester sold her inexpensive lies that tied to her heart like - you’re so beautiful and you deserve this… And - just when her eye ducts began to swell, he whispered three destructive words: DO NOT TELL And she, she kept his word - that, secret tucked away privately, she put on insecurity and suffered quietly and silently as he, ran away with my voice…   Her shackles grew stronger with age. She’s enraged at the world, every night curled into the fetal position.   Nothing's more painful than knowing that the past you were living was just a counterfeit.  Yet, nothing’s more rewarding than knowing that Christ is a redeemer And Satan is a deceiver, he, wanted me to be sick of men, like fever, continually attacking my views on fatherhood ... That is...  Until I became a believer I said Satan is a deceiver - one who gives a false impression He wants you to be so wrapped up in what happened to you, that you neglect this lesson: God. Is.   God. Is. So concerned about you that he, the Father, sent His own son to suffer - just when you think your problems are rougher, God's love is tougher... God. Is. A father to the fatherless. He is perfect relationship, and every time your lips part to recant your past story, remember to allow God to get the glory I committed to let God do surgery, I allowed Him to open me up and start purgin’ me - to, mend the fabric that was torn from molestation, I even surrendered my teenage frustration and hatred toward my earthly father.   In the beginning, was the word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. And all things came into being through Him and The Word gave life to everything that was created, and his life brought light to everyone.   Jesus, you are the brightest light YOU designed my DNA, Satan has NO PLACE in the spotlight He has NO PLACE in this heart, right - NO PLACE in this life, like He belongs in darkness, only God dwells in the limelight And no one can write your story, but HIM   I refuse to stand here and weep because I miss and mourn what used to be I refuse to accept muddy waters for the sake of purity I refuse to be a victim, dying and dancing for the enemy I refuse to let Satan write my story – cause only God can author my identity And I wearily crawled to the cross, and it was there he breathed his strength in me... He makes all things new Don’t put on your past, just to dress up your present   And today, I stare at blank pages because my story is still being written. I’m still living it – out loud, and reading it like front-page news…   You are not who you used to be. Written in your story is freedom from pain and sickness, emotionally Written in your story is freedom from a life ending terminally Freedom from Satan choking your creativity You are not who you used to be. Written in your story is value and royalty And every detail of our life is worked into something good…   So tell me, what’s your story? ©2013 Terri Simmons   Getting Help for Sexual Abuse Whether your abuse happened over the last decades or last night, it’s time you tell someone. It’s time you get help. Reach out to a trusted and trained counselor and get healed.     Resources:   On the Threshold of Hope: Opening the Door to Healing for Survivors of Sexual Abuse by Dr. Diane Langberg   EMDR: a resource to Help Overcome Sexual Trauma   The Effects of Porn in Marriage – The Dating Divas   Learn more about Dr. Jessica McCleese at BeFullyWell.com.   If you or someone you know is experiencing sexual abuse, contact RAINN (Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network) today at http://rainn.org or call their 24-hour hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE.   [1] https://nomore.org/know-the-facts-citations/Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/ Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

Need an Intimacy Fix? There’s An App for That!   Do you sometimes feel bored or unsatisfied with your sex life? Honestly, at some point, most married couples need an intimacy fix or are stuck sexually. Today’s episode features Dan Purcell, founder of Get Your Marriage On and the Intimately Us app. Dan explains how he and his wife had their own intimacy fix and went from “missionary position, lights off, 10 minutes and you’re done” to actually learning how to experiment and explore new things in the bedroom. Dan describes it like going to an amusement park and realizing there are all these new rides he never knew about before. “I wanted to ride them all!” he said.   Dan and his wife began to play sexy games in the bedroom using board games they had around the house. They began to put in the effort in their bedroom and found a whole new level of intimacy. As a software developer, Dan knew that he could help other married couples find what he and his wife had discovered. Enter the app store. When he couldn’t find any clean, nudity-free marriage apps, he decided to make his own – the Intimately Us app, which helps couples rediscover their playful, adventurous side and build intimacy beyond sex.   What Makes a Great Sexual Connection?   Too often, couples focus too much on sexual technique and not enough on actually building a solid connection. Yet, great sexual connection comes out an overflow of the relational connection you have with your spouse. Planting seeds throughout the day will help enhance the foreplay, intimacy, and desire in your marriage. Don’t discount the flirty text, the fun emoji . . . the little things go a long way!   Marriage is supposed to be fun and adventurous, and we can use technology to help us to build better connection in our marriages. So think outside the box. Focus first on connecting on another level with your spouse (though openness, communication, and desire) and then focus on how that will enhance your sexual connection. Since we are tri-part sexual beings, we need to understand the importance of sex in our marriages. It’s not an add-on. It’s important to living a truly integrated married life.   Helping to Build Desire   Desire is important to maintain a healthy sexual relationship. One of the things that will kill desire, however, is if we keep focusing on the so-called “marital duties.” Duty is not sexy. If, though, we feel truly desired by our spouses (body, mind, and soul), sex isn’t difficult.   The Intimately Us app helps us to build desire in many ways. The fun, colorful interface of the app is inviting and intriguing. The app also comes with suggested games, conversation starters, text prompts, and even shareable graphics. As we begin to have conversations around sex (opening our hearts) to one another and practicing “honesty and radical generosity,” as Dan put it, we will build an infinite intimate life that far surpasses any superficial sexual strategy. So if you’re in a need of an intimacy fix, remember, there’s an app for that.     Resources:   Dan’s Website: Get Your Marriage On   Download: The Intimately Us App On Apple or On Google   Books: Good Girls’ Guide to Great Sex by Sheila Wray-Gregoire Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in a Committed Relationship by David Schnarch   Be sure to SUBSCRIBE to the podcast and WRITE A REVIEW!Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/ Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.