Rebuilding Us: Marriage Podcast

Commuter Marriage: How Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder   Today, I’m talking with Abe & Elaine Romero about the pros and cons of commuter marriages. The Romeros have been living apart for their entire four-year marriage and plan to continue their unique marriage arrangement for at least another four years. We've all heard that absence makes the heart grow fonder, but why? The Romeros have figured it out. Both previously divorced, Abe and Elaine decided to keep their own houses in separate states (he lives in Texas, she lives in California) after they got married mostly because of their shared five children. They didn’t think it was fair to uproot the kids, especially after they’d all been through hard divorces. We talk all about their decision to maintain separate lives while also coming together often. It’s the classic case of how absence can make the heart grow fonder, not farther. A marriage and family therapist with Safe Harbor Counseling Center, Elaine knows a thing or two about how to create a successful relationship.   Commuter Marriage Pros and Cons With anything in life, there will be pros and cons . . . reasons why you should and shouldn’t do something. Elaine explained that one of the pros of their commuter marriage is the excitement of being together. We married people tend to take each other for granted, so the absence actually helps make their times together more meaningful. Both Abe and Elaine spoke of having a deeper connection and better sex when they get together.   On the flip side, living apart presents its challenges as well. The biggest challenge being the loss of physical connection. That hug, squeeze, or comforting shoulder to cry on isn’t there. There’s also the trust factor. I asked the Romeros if they had trust issues, and they both answered very honestly. Elaine has experienced infidelity in her past marriage, so trust issues can be a trigger for her. She referenced Susan Johnson, who is a known proponent of emotionally-focused therapy,  as saying, “The true warriors are those who sign up again after past betrayals.” The truth is trust can be an issue whether you’re in the same house or not.   Getting Creative While Living Apart One of my favorite parts of our conversation was hearing how the Romeros use the absence to make their hearts grow fonder by getting creative with date nights. Abe explained how the couple will do “who plated it best” contests. They’ll cook the same meal together on the phone and then show each other how they plated it. How fun! The families also do family movie nights, family Zoom calls, and even online tours (they’ve been to Italy virtually!) and online concerts.   We laughed a lot during this podcast conversation, and I remarked to Elaine, later, that it felt like we were just old friends chatting on the phone. Laughter is truly some good medicine and can be yet another thing that makes the heart grow stronger, especially when you’re apart.   Resources:   Love is in the Air Podcast – Abe & Elaine’s podcast   Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage by Mark Gungor     This episode was sponsored by The Intimately Us app. Download yours today!    Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/ Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

Revealing & Healing Sexual Abuse – with Dr. Jessica McCleese Here’s the truth: either you or someone you know has been victimized by sexual abuse. It’s a sad reality that most of us hate talking about. But if we don’t talk about it, the stigma and shame will continue its cycle in our hearts and relationships. Joining me on the podcast for this important and urgent conversation is my friend, Dr. Jessica McCleese, a psychologist and sex therapist. Jessica tells us her personal story of being sexually molested and abused and the havoc those experiences wreaked on her psyche. But she’s not alone. I, too, in a rare conversation, talk about my experience with sexual abuse and the damage it began to have on my marriage. But God.   So many women and men silently struggle with identity issues, guilt, confusion, embarrassment, shame, anger, and an array of other emotions because of sexual abuse. And many still won’t talk about it. I want to do my part to help people begin the path of healing and freedom from sexual abuse. Statistics show that 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men are sexually abused by the time they turn 18.[1] That’s a LOT of us!   Naturally, as I was wrapping up the All About Sex series, I concluded this was a topic that could be off limits no longer. We need real, honest, and helpful conversations about sexual abuse that will help single and married people to overcome all its damaging effects.   A Survivor’s Story A few years ago, my friend, Terri, shared a spoken word at a women’s conference at our church entitled Story. Terri, too, is a survivor. With her permission, I am sharing her spoken word with you. May you find comfort in reading it:   She sits in distress concerned and under arrest She, sits in her pretty pink dress, afraid to tell her mom because she’d make a mess of things She’s six and he… he cornered her. She’s not even old enough to write legible, his decibels rang in her ear: “TOUCH IT!”   She sits in distress Concerned and under arrest Her heart beats out of her chest She’s too young to be shaken from the nest, but Satan’s jest was to destroy her…   And soon - her reality became a mental and physical battle of sexual brutality As her molester sold her inexpensive lies that tied to her heart like - you’re so beautiful and you deserve this… And - just when her eye ducts began to swell, he whispered three destructive words: DO NOT TELL And she, she kept his word - that, secret tucked away privately, she put on insecurity and suffered quietly and silently as he, ran away with my voice…   Her shackles grew stronger with age. She’s enraged at the world, every night curled into the fetal position.   Nothing's more painful than knowing that the past you were living was just a counterfeit.  Yet, nothing’s more rewarding than knowing that Christ is a redeemer And Satan is a deceiver, he, wanted me to be sick of men, like fever, continually attacking my views on fatherhood ... That is...  Until I became a believer I said Satan is a deceiver - one who gives a false impression He wants you to be so wrapped up in what happened to you, that you neglect this lesson: God. Is.   God. Is. So concerned about you that he, the Father, sent His own son to suffer - just when you think your problems are rougher, God's love is tougher... God. Is. A father to the fatherless. He is perfect relationship, and every time your lips part to recant your past story, remember to allow God to get the glory I committed to let God do surgery, I allowed Him to open me up and start purgin’ me - to, mend the fabric that was torn from molestation, I even surrendered my teenage frustration and hatred toward my earthly father.   In the beginning, was the word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. And all things came into being through Him and The Word gave life to everything that was created, and his life brought light to everyone.   Jesus, you are the brightest light YOU designed my DNA, Satan has NO PLACE in the spotlight He has NO PLACE in this heart, right - NO PLACE in this life, like He belongs in darkness, only God dwells in the limelight And no one can write your story, but HIM   I refuse to stand here and weep because I miss and mourn what used to be I refuse to accept muddy waters for the sake of purity I refuse to be a victim, dying and dancing for the enemy I refuse to let Satan write my story – cause only God can author my identity And I wearily crawled to the cross, and it was there he breathed his strength in me... He makes all things new Don’t put on your past, just to dress up your present   And today, I stare at blank pages because my story is still being written. I’m still living it – out loud, and reading it like front-page news…   You are not who you used to be. Written in your story is freedom from pain and sickness, emotionally Written in your story is freedom from a life ending terminally Freedom from Satan choking your creativity You are not who you used to be. Written in your story is value and royalty And every detail of our life is worked into something good…   So tell me, what’s your story? ©2013 Terri Simmons   Getting Help for Sexual Abuse Whether your abuse happened over the last decades or last night, it’s time you tell someone. It’s time you get help. Reach out to a trusted and trained counselor and get healed.     Resources:   On the Threshold of Hope: Opening the Door to Healing for Survivors of Sexual Abuse by Dr. Diane Langberg   EMDR: a resource to Help Overcome Sexual Trauma   The Effects of Porn in Marriage – The Dating Divas   Learn more about Dr. Jessica McCleese at BeFullyWell.com.   If you or someone you know is experiencing sexual abuse, contact RAINN (Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network) today at http://rainn.org or call their 24-hour hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE.   [1] https://nomore.org/know-the-facts-citations/Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/ Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

Need an Intimacy Fix? There’s An App for That!   Do you sometimes feel bored or unsatisfied with your sex life? Honestly, at some point, most married couples need an intimacy fix or are stuck sexually. Today’s episode features Dan Purcell, founder of Get Your Marriage On and the Intimately Us app. Dan explains how he and his wife had their own intimacy fix and went from “missionary position, lights off, 10 minutes and you’re done” to actually learning how to experiment and explore new things in the bedroom. Dan describes it like going to an amusement park and realizing there are all these new rides he never knew about before. “I wanted to ride them all!” he said.   Dan and his wife began to play sexy games in the bedroom using board games they had around the house. They began to put in the effort in their bedroom and found a whole new level of intimacy. As a software developer, Dan knew that he could help other married couples find what he and his wife had discovered. Enter the app store. When he couldn’t find any clean, nudity-free marriage apps, he decided to make his own – the Intimately Us app, which helps couples rediscover their playful, adventurous side and build intimacy beyond sex.   What Makes a Great Sexual Connection?   Too often, couples focus too much on sexual technique and not enough on actually building a solid connection. Yet, great sexual connection comes out an overflow of the relational connection you have with your spouse. Planting seeds throughout the day will help enhance the foreplay, intimacy, and desire in your marriage. Don’t discount the flirty text, the fun emoji . . . the little things go a long way!   Marriage is supposed to be fun and adventurous, and we can use technology to help us to build better connection in our marriages. So think outside the box. Focus first on connecting on another level with your spouse (though openness, communication, and desire) and then focus on how that will enhance your sexual connection. Since we are tri-part sexual beings, we need to understand the importance of sex in our marriages. It’s not an add-on. It’s important to living a truly integrated married life.   Helping to Build Desire   Desire is important to maintain a healthy sexual relationship. One of the things that will kill desire, however, is if we keep focusing on the so-called “marital duties.” Duty is not sexy. If, though, we feel truly desired by our spouses (body, mind, and soul), sex isn’t difficult.   The Intimately Us app helps us to build desire in many ways. The fun, colorful interface of the app is inviting and intriguing. The app also comes with suggested games, conversation starters, text prompts, and even shareable graphics. As we begin to have conversations around sex (opening our hearts) to one another and practicing “honesty and radical generosity,” as Dan put it, we will build an infinite intimate life that far surpasses any superficial sexual strategy. So if you’re in a need of an intimacy fix, remember, there’s an app for that.     Resources:   Dan’s Website: Get Your Marriage On   Download: The Intimately Us App On Apple or On Google   Books: Good Girls’ Guide to Great Sex by Sheila Wray-Gregoire Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in a Committed Relationship by David Schnarch   Be sure to SUBSCRIBE to the podcast and WRITE A REVIEW!Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/ Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

Lopsided Libido - How to Deal with Different Sex Drives   Do you and your spouse have different sex drives? Does one spouse want sex way more often than the other? Many married couples have different sexual desires. This episode will help you to communicate effectively about those differences and create a sex life you both enjoy. The first thing you need to know is that having different sexual desires is normal. Most married couples deal with this. There is nothing wrong with you or your marriage. The problem begins when you try to make your spouse’s sex drive match yours.   Last year, I taught a class called Wife Life: What Your Man Wished You Knew. One of the ladies in the class expressed that she was the one with the higher sex drive, not her husband. As a matter of fact, her husband rarely initiated sex. This left her feeling isolated and hurt. I would bet most spouses have little idea of the pain they cause their partner when they don’t properly communicate their sexual needs (or lack thereof). This is why this episode focuses heavily on how to communicate with your spouse about your sexual needs.   Feeling Obligated to Have Sex? Here’s the deal. No one should feel obligated to have sex. Nope, not even married people. Sex is a privilege. It’s not a right you demand. Sheila Wray-Gregoire talked about marital consent on Episode 24: Redefining Sex, Rethinking Intimacy. You shouldn’t view sex as a “have to,” but a “get to.” When you feel obligated to have sex, you kill the mood. It’s not a beautiful exchange or an intimate connection at that point.   Instead of treating sex like a chore, think creatively about how to increase your desire. Some things you may want to consider are:   Taking a hot bath (even better if you do it together with your spouse) Preparing the room for your experience Lighting candles, spraying your favorite scents in the room Tidying up your bedroom (if that’s where the action is going to go down) Talking about sex with your spouse Role-playing. Get creative!   When you decide to “just do it,” like I talked about in the Maintenance Sex episode, you’ll find the more you have sex, the more you’ll want to have sex.   The Downside of Sexual Rejection When you (or your spouse) reject sex, it can cause damaging effects on your relationship. No one wants to feel rejected, especially in the vulnerable area of our sexuality. Saying no too often leads to:   Feelings of rejection/not being wanted Insecurity Depression Loneliness Isolation Temptation (looking outside the marriage)   Although you and your spouse may have different sex drives, you need to be on the same page concerning how you’ll handle the deficit. This is where Scriptures like “Do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others” come into play (Philippians 2:4). Love is selfless. It is always seeking the good of the other.   The next time you’re tempted to battle over your different sex drives, try to connect over your conflict instead.   Resources:   How to Cope with Different Libidos in Marriage by Dr. Jessica McCleese   Learn to Communicate Better About Sex – Marriage Coaching by Dana Che  Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/ Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

Making Love . . . Outside the Bedroom – with Shaun Williams (All About Sex Series)   What does it truly mean to make love? We’ve been told that making love is all about sex, but the truth is so much better than that. Sex is great, but making love is better. In today’s podcast episode, my husband Shaun is back to help us understand the differences between how men and women approach sexual differences and he really talks a lot about a man’s number one need: respect.   Create Healthy Habits in Your Marriage The truth of the matter is your love making is dependent on the healthy habits you’ve created in your marriage. Anyone can have sex, but not everyone can make love. Like, literally, how have you made love in your marriage? Some of these habits Shaun and I discuss are: Investing in your marriage on the front end Choosing to be consistent with spending quality time together (someone say date night!) Resurrecting the art of kindness Communicating about your needs (emotional, spiritual, and sexual)   Shaun also schooled us on his revelation on what he did to get more respect from me. Fellas, these truths right here might be a hard pill to swallow, but this is gold. I hope you can relate.   Communicating Your Sexual Needs Some spouses are super talkative between the sheets, and others need more help communicating their sexual needs. At the end of the day, only you can tell your spouse what you like and what you don’t. My heart goes out to both women and men who are unfulfilled and feel taken advantage of because they are not communicating their sexual needs.   In episode 4, on how to have a more fulfilling sex life, my friend Jessica and I talked at length about the need to communicate your sexual needs, and she gave some good tips on learning how to speak up for yourself and enjoy your spouse more.   Foreplay All Day I started to name this episode “foreplay all day.” That, in essence, is what is lacking in many marriages. Most husbands see foreplay as a necessary means to get what he really wants, while most wives’ sexual experience will be greatly hindered without it.   You may have heard that sex starts in the kitchen . . . this is true. In the morning while making that coffee, at your office while you’re in a meeting, on your drive home from work . . . These are all opportune times to sow seeds (no pun intended) into your spouse. Focusing on each other during the day pays huge dividends at night.   Be sure to listen especially to the end where Shaun talks about his take on sex toys. I really had to fight to keep a straight face!   Resources: Register Today! Making Love . . . Outside the Bedroom Workshop Schedule Your Free Coaching Session: Danache.com/CoachingSupport the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/ Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

Lies Women Believe About Sex – with Molly Moses The thing about the lies we believe is that we don’t know they’re lies. Obviously, right? But after speaking to so many women, I am convinced that women are still being fed lies concerning sex, sexuality, and what men really want. Thanks Cosmo. To help to inform us of the truth concerning sex and our sexuality is a new friend of mine named Molly Moses. Molly and I met on Clubhouse, the new audio-based social media app, and we hit it off right away.   Molly is an avid fitness coach, a wife, and a mother. She incorporates her faith along with her love of family, fashion, and fitness into her blog and her social media. In today’s podcast episode, Molly and I have a fireside girlfriend chat about how to develop a healthy body image, the best times to initiate sex, and we even give you some practical steps on how to feel beautiful in under ten minutes.   Making Sex a Priority   Molly admitted that having conversations about sex was uncomfortable for her in the beginning of her marriage, because of how she’d been brought up. Let the church say amen. I can relate to that, and so can many others, which is why we discussed this very issue in episode 23: What the Church Forgot to Teach Us About Sex. If you’re uncomfortable talking about sex in your marriage, it’s okay. It can take a while to get comfortable, depending on how much unlearning of inaccurate information you have to do.   As married people, we have to make sex a priority, though. Women, your husband told me to tell you he wants you to initiate. Now before you break out in hives, Molly helps us understand that the best time to initiate sex might be when you’re ovulating. I love her explanation of how she arrived at this conclusion and how it’s helped her to initiate sex more often with her husband.   Getting Your Sexy Back You might be wondering how you can initiate sex when you feel anything but sexy. I understand, girl! One of the points Molly and I discuss is how a little goes a long way to help you to feel sexy. Toss out those old sweats, put on some lip gloss, take a shower for the love of all things! When you look better, you feel better, and when you feel better, you do better. Molly talked about how to cultivate a healthier body image, and she talked about the negative side of a positive body image (let that sink in).   This is an episode you’ll want to share with your girlfriends. Ladies, sex is a powerful bonding agent that God intended for you and your husband. Use it well. There are so many women, just like you, who need encouragement in this area. That’s why I wanted to have the conversation about the lies women believe about sex. It starts with learning the truth. Embrace your sexuality in all its glory. And then chose to show up as confident as you can for your man.   Resources:   Molly’s Blog: www.shapeyourfit.com Molly’s Instagram Molly’s Twitter   Also listen to episode 24: Rethinking Intimacy, Redefining Sex – with Sheila Wray-Gregoire Be sure to register for our upcoming marriage workshop – Making Love Outside the Bedroom! Watch the video vodcast at realrelationshiptalk.com/videos.    Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/ Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

Rethinking Intimacy & Redefining Sex- with Sheila Wray-Gregoire   There’s a big misconception that sex = intimacy. We even call sexy lingerie “intimates,” and refer to our action between the sheets as intimacy. But what if we actually need to redefine sex and rethink intimacy? The truth is you can have sex without being intimate (think one-night stands), and you can develop intimacy without sex (think a celibate, romantic relationship). If we have a shot at learning how to truly develop intimacy in our marriages and relationships, we have to get very clear on this point. I wanted to have this conversation with popular blogger, author, and speaker, Sheila Wray-Gregoire, because not only is she amazing, but she has been a great teacher in helping couples to develop real intimacy in their marriages. Sheila is straight up. She holds no punches, and she will have your eyebrows raised for half this interview because what she shares is a much-needed dose of reality for those of us who are trying to build true intimacy in our marriages. Away with the “Churchisms” My last podcast episode focused on what the church forgot to tell us about sex. Sadly, I see and hear from many Christians who have been invariably indoctrinated to believe that virginity equals purity and consent goes out the window once you get married. Let’s talk about it. The Purity Culture Sheila and I discussed how harmful the “purity culture” can be to say, a victim of sexual assault or someone who has made past mistakes concerning sex. With a generation of shame-filled saints, it’s no wonder true intimacy becomes a concept to be embraced but never enjoyed. Neither the sins you commit nor the ones committed against you make you impure. Having sex outside of marriage doesn’t make you any more impure than binge-eating (greed and gluttony), cheating on your taxes (lying) or buying that too-expensive house to impress your co-workers (covetousness). I’m reminded of the beautiful promise of Isaiah 1:18, “Come now, and let us reason together, “says the LORD, “Though your sins are as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall become like wool.” It’s Jesus, not whether or not we wear a purity ring, who makes us pure. Redefining Sex and What it Takes to Create Intimacy Let’s get back to basics. How do you define sex? Sheila encourages us to think beyond vaginal intercourse when thinking about sex. Think broader. Sex is more than that. I can tell you there are many sexually frustrated married folks who are bored or unfilled with sex because they have a limited view of what sex actually is. This is dangerous because it gives room for married people to turn their eyes on another instead of each other. If only they knew to prioritize intimacy instead. As we began to wrap up our conversation, Sheila and I talked about how porn is affected women at higher rates and we discuss the link between pornography and sex trafficking. If you are struggling with porn, please seek help. There are much better and healthier ways to spice up your sex life than porn. I pray this episode will help you to rethink and rekindle intimacy as you learn to redefine sex in your marriage.   Resources: Sheila’s blog: To Love, Honor, and Vacuum! Sheila’s books (discussed on the podcast): The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex; The Great Sex Rescue(available March 21, 2021) Sheila’s podcast: Bare Marriage   Feeling stuck in your marriage or relationship, let’s work together. Schedule your discovery call today at http://danache.com/coaching.      Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/ Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

What the Church Forgot to Teach Us About Sex – with Mark & Dawn Lawrence Dear Listener, let me preface this episode by saying that as a pastor, I realize I represent the church. But I’m a member, too. And I, too, have been disappointed with what the church has (and mostly hasn’t) taught about sex. These gaping holes in our formation have stifled and shamed many believers into secrecy. And we all know, secrecy is where the enemy does his best work. I wanted to have a conversation with a married couple who I know embodies the wonder and wisdom of the Christian faith and whose personal lifestyle echoes their commitment to each other. Meet Pastor Mark and Dr. Dawn Lawrence. I’ve known the Lawrences for over 20 years, and the genuine love and affection they have for one another is contagious. They are such a great team, and I’m delighted to have them on the podcast today. Here’s what we’re not going to do. We aren’t here to bash the church. We aren’t here to call out any specific church leader. And we aren’t here to hide behind old traditions and man-made doctrines. We want to uncover what God says about sex and how he meant for us to enjoy it. Take Me to Church If you are still trying to make sense of how sex and church belong in the same sentence, you are the perfect listener for this podcast. Sex is a beautiful, wonderful gift that God gives to his married children. So, if it’s a gift, why aren’t we talking about it? Why aren’t more churches working diligently to prepare singles for this lifetime commitment? Do we expect people to just figure marriage out on their own? The church’s job is to disciple (or train) believers in the ways of God. And sex is not an exception. Lies We’ve Believed About Sex If I were to ask you to write a list of all the lies you’re believing, your list would probably be pretty short. The problem is most of us don’t realize we’re believing a lie. If we knew it was a lie, we wouldn’t believe it! Now, put on your thinking cap and ask yourself if what you’ve been taught about sex is producing good fruit (or results) in your life? If not, chances are it’s a lie. And we’re here to uproot some lies on this podcast today. Some points that stuck out to me from this episode were: Lies and secrets are the enemies of intimacy. When you say “I do,” that means I do you, and you do me, exclusively. Marriage is for more than just pro-creation. Be honest with your sexual needs. Most people don’t have what they want because they aren’t willing to be honest. People are watching your lifestyle. What are you showing them? Stay curious and keep discovering your spouse. God is watching you when you have sex (LOL. I had to throw that one in there!) After 35 years, the Lawrences are still trying new things. Now, that’s what I’m talking about. The fact that this long-married couple is still trying new things, still discovering each other is inspirational. Take a listen to the podcast to glean from all the wisdom they shared.   Resources: Raising them Special by Mark & Dr. Dawn Lawrence Sex Begins in the Kitchen by marriage and family therapist Dr. Kevin Leman   Got relationship questions? Send ‘em my way: QandA@DanaChe.com Do you feel stuck in your marriage or relationship? Schedule a free 30-minute coaching session with me today.Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/ Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

What is Maintenance Sex and Should You Be Having It? When I first heard the term “maintenance sex,” I was like I have got to see what this is all about! What I learned is that it’s not unlike the regular, scheduled maintenance that we do for our cars. Think about it like regular sex checkups for your marriage. Sadly, many married couples pay more attention to their cars while neglecting their sexual intimacy. This ain’t cool, my friends. Just like a car will break down without proper maintenance, so will your marriage. “But what if I just am not in the mood for sex?” You might ask. We covered this topic at length on the last podcast episode. I mentioned it then, and I’ll mention it now . . . love seeks the betterment of the other, not yourself. A healthy marriage doesn’t mean you don’t love yourself; it means you don’t only love yourself. Scheduling Sex A good way to keep your sexual intimacy on track might be by scheduling sex. I just lost some of you right there, huh? Don’t knock it until you try it! There are lots of couples who have found that this works for their marriage. As a matter of fact, Tony and Alisa DiLorenzo, who were guests on a previous episode: 6 Ways to Build One Extraordinary Marriage are big proponents of scheduling sex. Personally, I see both pros and cons. One thing is for certain: that level of intentionality is wise. Too many couples think having a great sex life is just something that comes naturally. But honey, you’ve got to work at this! What Husbands Think About Maintenance Sex They love it! Enough said! Seriously though, most men do not need a lot of emotional “warm-up” to engage sexually. Like a car, they’re ready to go as soon as they get turned on. Women, on the other hand, often don’t believe that maintenance sex is romantic, so they tend not to do it. I would encourage every wife to ask your husband what he feels about having sex to simply keep the connection going in the marriage. I can almost guarantee you he’ll be on board!   Resources: Listen to Spontaneous vs Scheduled Sex: One Extraordinary Marriage Register for the Making Love Outside the Bedroom Workshop by Dana Che Get more info on marriage or relationship coaching with Dana CheSupport the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/ Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

Mood: When You’re Not in the Mood for Sex (All About Sex Series) Let’s talk about sex, baby! It’s not just a song that R&B group Salt-n-Pepa sang in the 90’s. Getting in the mood for sex is a daily battle many married people face. Sex can become just one more thing on our to-do lists, and combined with illness, unforgiveness, insecurities, and the like, sex can become a daunting task in marriage. But what if it didn’t have to be this way? What if you could not only address the issues of why you’re not in the mood for sex, but overcome some of the challenges that are causing a divide between the sheets? In today’s podcast episode, I am going to unpack several causes of us not being “in the mood,” and give you some practical tips on how to get your mind, body, heart, and environment prepared. Reasons You May Not Feel in the Mood for Sex Busyness – It’s time to tackle that never-ending to-do list and create some margin in your life. Your marriage deserves your time and attention. Let me say it another way . . . your sexual intimacy deserves your time and attention. Don’t foster a sexless marriage because of doing too much. Insecurities – Whether it’s a weight issue, past hurts, or plain ol’ lies we’re believing about ourselves, insecurities can have a field day in our minds and cause disconnection between spouses. If you’re struggling with negative thoughts, it’s time you let those go. Don’t allow your insecurities to rob you of a vibrant sexual relationship with your spouse. Unforgiveness – We talked extensively about unforgiveness in episode 13 of the podcast, so go back and listen to that if need be. If you’re carrying an offense against your spouse, you won’t likely be in the mood for sex or be able to initiate or receive intimacy from him/her. Bad Religion – Raise your hand if your church talked openly and favorably about sex as you were growing up. Oftentimes, what we learned (or didn’t learn) as children in church or at home negatively affects our sexual intimacy as adults. It’s time to weed out those incorrect teachings. Depression – If you are dealing with depression, it’s time to seek professional help. Emotional intimacy is nearly impossible when you’re facing the emotional trauma of depression. So, take care of your mental health. Poor health – Obviously there are times when we get sick and are unable or uninterested in sex. If you need to see your primary care physician due to prolonged illness or symptoms that keep you from being in the mood for sex, please do so. Many health-related problems, including low libido and low testosterone can be remedied if you’re willing to address them. Selfishness – I saved the worst for last. Some married people aren’t suffering, they’re just selfish. A Scripture to help guard against selfishness is Philippians 2:4, “Do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others." I’m going to let that sit right there. Quick Tips to Get in the Mood for Sex Now that’s we’ve discussed reasons why some married people struggle with being in the mood for sex, it’s time to talk about some quick tips for overcoming the mood issue and readying ourselves to change. Music – music is a powerful motivator and affects our emotions. Turn on something that will have you thinking of your honey in the most delectable ways. Focus – Some of us need to learn how to focus our attention on our spouses; not the kids, the laundry, our friends’ issues, post-election news, etc. Environment – It’s hard to feel in the mood for sex with a dirty, cluttered environment. Clean your room! Get that clutter out of that backseat (You know car sex is still a thing, right?). Make your space inviting and intimate. Communication – Maybe you just need to have a conversation about your sex life with your spouse and what’s keeping you from being in the mood for sex. If so, don’t put it off any longer.   Sex isn’t the only part of marriage, but it’s a big, important part. Employ some of the suggestions from this podcast and get yourself in the mood for sex. Your spouse is waiting! Be sure to rate, review, and subscribe to the podcast so you don’t miss one single episode!      Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/ Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.