Rebuilding Us: Marriage Podcast

What's Your Fighting Style?   Conflict is a normal and healthy aspect of any relationship. So we don't have to be afraid of it anymore. We don't have to run away from conflict. We don't have to pretend that it's not there. We don't have to try to dress it up as something else. It is what it is. However, conflict is not fighting.  When we “fight,” we all have a fighting style that’s our go-to approach to handling conflict. When I'm saying fighting for the sake of this episode, I'm not talking about “throwing blows.” I'm talking about how you deal with conflict. When something arises in your relationship and you disagree with your partner, you're having conflict, that conflict then turns into more of just a disagreement, but you're almost at a stalemate. How do you handle that? What is your fighting style? Three Fighting Styles The three specific styles are as follows: attack-attack, attack-defend, and silent-silent. In the attack-attack style, both partners are on the attack and cannot hear each other, making it impossible to solve problems and leading to a destructive cycle. In the attack-defend style, one partner is attacking and the other is defending themselves, creating a tit-for-tat dynamic that is not productive in resolving the underlying issues. In the silent-silent style, both partners avoid confrontation altogether and allow issues to fester and grow.   Why Does Love Feel Like a Battlefield? You are never going to find the solution to whatever the situation is because if you’re spending so much time attacking one another. It's almost like you are in a battlefield. You've now become an enemy, a combatant of your partner. Years ago, singer Jordin Sparks actually wrote a song called Battlefield. Here are some of the lyrics of this song . . . See if you can relate.  Why does love always feel like a battlefield, a battlefield, a battlefield?  You know that song so this is how it goes. Okay.  Don't try to explain your mind I know what's happening here One minute it's love and suddenly it's like, love is a battlefield. One word turns into a war.  Why is it that the smallest things tear us down?  My world's nothing when you're gone.  I'm out here without a shield.  Can't go back now.    I never meant to start a war.  You know I never want to hurt you.  Don't even know what we're fighting for.  Why does love always feel like a battlefield? Listen to Battlefield here  Why does love always feel like a battlefield in your relationship? You feel like there is nothing that you do, nothing that you say is going to make a difference because your spouse is looking at you as the enemy. Or, you see your partner as the enemy.   Break Free From Fighting  To break out of these fighting styles, one person in the relationship must wave the white flag and prioritize the relationship over being right. Remember, your partner is not the problem; the problem is the problem. You are on the same team! By taking a step back and examining the real issue, couples can work together to find a solution. In order to move forward from fighting, couples must reframe the way they approach conflict. Instead of seeing it as a competition or an opportunity to prove who is right, couples should view it as a chance to grow and strengthen their relationship. If necessary, couples should take a “time-out” during particularly heated moments to allow both parties to cool down and come back to the conversation from a calmer and more rational place.   Links Mentioned in this Episode:  Episode 87: The Silent Treatment vs Arguing   Register for the upcoming Thrive Wives workshop   SUBSCRIBE | SHARE | RATE | COMMENT To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/ Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

The Power of Conflict: How Disagreements Can Strengthen Your Relationship Can conflict actually help you connect? The whole reason that I wanted to do this episode is to help you to understand that conflict can be a great asset in your marriage. Conflict can actually be a great asset in any relationship if you understand how to use it. Conflict is like a tool. And if you learn how to use the tool correctly, then you're going to find that it's not such a scary thing when conflict shows up in your relationships. So we have a jam-packed episode today, you guys. I'm going to be sharing lots and lots of skills, tools, and resources with you.  But before we get into all of that, I want to ask you to do me a favor. Right after you finish listening to this episode, I would love for you to write a podcast review, especially if you are listening to this on Apple podcast or Spotify. Let me tell you why there are so many people who find out about this podcast by word of mouth. Shaun and I were in a restaurant, eating dinner with some friends. We were outside, and a couple walked past the table, and they were like, "I love your podcast. I love your podcast." And I was like, Oh, my gosh, I'm feeling famous. You know what I mean? And it was such a cool experience. But then, about ten minutes later, this other woman walks by our table, and she's like, "Oh, my gosh, I love your podcast. I listen to it every single week!" Why am I sharing this with you? Because both the couple and the woman who walked by heard about my podcast from a friend. So when you share this podcast, you have no idea the seeds that you are planting in your friends' lives. They might hear an episode that I did way back in 2020 or 2021 that will help to save their marriage. So by writing a simple review, you are helping this podcast to be found by people who really need it. So thank you so much for doing that.  Let's Talk About Conflict  So I like to talk about conflict, okay? I am not conflict-avoidant at all. Now, when I say that to people, it doesn't mean that I like to stir up trouble either. I don't like to create conflict. I'm just not afraid of it because I have learned that conflict is a tool in your marriage. But it's also a tool in any relationship. If you're a parent and you're dealing with conflict with your children, you can use that conflict to draw you closer to the relationship that you have to teach you more about your child, to teach you more about yourself. And of course, you can just sparse that out into any relationship that you're in. So I want to be able to give us some real practical takeaways today. As you listen to this episode, we're going to be talking about conflict as connection.  If you've listened to my show for a while, you know that I talk about connection a lot. I'm going to give you five quick reasons, and I might throw in a bonus as to how conflict is connection or how conflict shows up as connection in your relationships. So the first thing is that conflict gets you talking. When you start to have issues in your relationship or issues in your marriage, there's some sort of disagreement, right? It's going to keep you talking. Now, you might not always say the right things or say them in the right way, but at least you're talking. You're getting your feelings out. You're sharing your emotions. You're being authentic, you're being honest about how you truly feel and what that particular thing is bringing up in you.  Conflict Teaches You How to Speak Up So let's say, for example, you are having a disagreement with your spouse about parenting. My goodness, that happens to all of us in that connection. It might come up that you realize that when you were growing up, your parents were overly critical of you. Maybe you've never really thought about that before and how that shows up in your parenting, but you get into an argument with your spouse and you're like, you sound just like my dad. You sound just like my mom. My mom was always overbearing. My mom was always critical of me. And you didn't even realize that you were saying that until the words came out. Now, your spouse might not appreciate that you just said that about them, but if your spouse and you can take a step back and go, whoa, wait a minute. Okay, so this isn't really about my spouse. This is about my parents, and I'm being triggered by something that my spouse is doing. But, at the end of the day, I just had an epiphany. I just realized that I'm still dealing with some trauma or some struggles or some bad memories of how I grew up and how I felt like my parents treated me. And I'm kind of taking that out on my spouse. So when you're in conflict, it can help you to connect to your spouse because it gets you to talk. It gets you to say the things that you've been stuffing down inside. It gets you to say the things that you're thinking about, but you're not necessarily talking about. And so in that regard, conflict is a great connector. Conflict Teaches You When to Shut Up Now, number two is going to seem like a contradiction to what I just said in number one, and it's that conflict can get you to shut up. We just talked about it can get you to talk, but it can also get you to be quiet. It can get you to shut up when you're in conflict with your spouse. There's a point where you realize, I've said all the things that I need to say there's really nothing else to say, and so I'm done. Now, when I say I'm done, I don't mean like, I'm done. I'm walking out of the marriage or I'm walking out of the relationship. I mean, I'm done talking about that issue because there's really nothing else to be said about it. You all when we learn the appropriate times to shut our mouths, it can be incredibly helpful in our relationship.  I was talking to someone today, a client of mine, and I told her, I said, there are times in our relationship that we have to learn. It's just like driving a car. You got to learn how to press the gas pedal down, and then sometimes you have to learn how to apply the brakes. So if you're always pressing that gas (i.e. working on your marriage, working on your relationship, talking about communication, fixing your communication), that's like the gas pedal . . . Well, at some point, your car is going to run out of gas. You have got to learn how to slow down sometimes, how to put the brakes on sometimes. And this is what I mean by silence or not talking and how that can actually help to create the connection in your marriage or your relationship. It's okay if you're not talking about all the issues and all the problems every single day. It's okay if you and your spouse get to a point and you're like, I really don't know what else to say about this particular thing. Take a breather. Now, you do need to come back at some point to that problem so that you could figure out where we go from here. Even if there's no "solution" to that problem, you still need to kind of tie up that loose end and say, we're not agreed here. Maybe there's no "solution" here, but where do we go from here? What's our next move? What's our next step? But before you get to that point, it's okay if there's some sort of putting the brakes on, if there's some sort of pause, if there's some sort of some quiet. I think it was about two years ago, I put a poll up in a Facebook group that I managed. It's called Christian Marriages and Relationships. Shameless plug. If you want to join that group, head on over to Facebook and join. I put up a poll in the group, and I asked them, I said, what do you think is more damaging in a relationship, silent treatments or angry outbursts? And it was an incredible post, and I love hearing from some of our members in that group. And actually, now that I think about it, I should probably do a whole podcast episode on that because we must talk about what are some of the benefits of both. Now, I don't believe that anger is really something that we are going to use as a helpful tool in marriage, but we can learn a lot about ourselves and our spouses when anger does show up. But I digress. Number two is that conflict can help you to connect to your spouse by getting you to shut up sometimes.  Conflict Help You Connect By Teaching You About Your Partner Number three, conflict can act as a connection because it teaches you about your partner when you're angry about something in your marriage or when your partner, I should say, is angry about something in the marriage. It can teach you about them. It could teach you about their passion points, their values, what they hold dear, what they hold precious, what their opinions are, and what their perspective is. I am a big proponent of being a lifelong student of your partner. None of us should ever get to this point in our marriages or in our relationships where we feel like, I know my partner. We're good. There's nothing else to learn. I think when you get to that point in your relationship, your relationship has either died or is on the way to a slow death, we will never learn everything there is to know about our partner, because guess what? We grow. We evolve, and we change.  So when you're in conflict, that can be a great teacher. You can start to learn, oh, wow. I did not know that my husband was insecure about such and such an issue. Oh, wow. I didn't know that. My wife was tender about that specific subject. So Shaun is a man of few words, and Shaun does not get angry very often. You guys like, honestly, I could probably count on one hand the times that I've seen him angry in our whole almost 24 years of marriage. But there are times when I push that little red button, and he will respond right. In some kind of way, and I'm like, Whoop. Okay, well, I guess he doesn't like when I say that, or I guess he doesn't like it when I do that, right? Read about John Gottman's Thoughts on Criticism & Contempt I can look at that conflict, and I can be like, oh, my gosh, look at him getting upset with me. Who does he think he is getting upset with me? He doesn't have a reason to get upset with me. What about what he did yesterday? What about what he did last week? I can do that. Or I can say, you know what? What is Shaun teaching me about himself right now? What am I learning about this man right now? Oh, I'm learning that he feels disrespected when I come at him in this kind of way, or he feels dishonored when I say this or when I don't say something to him. So in that regard, I can look at that conflict as a teacher. It's teaching me about my husband. If you look at conflict the same way it should be teaching you about your husband or your wife, about your partner. So that's just yet another way that conflict can be a connector because it teaches us about our spouse.  Conflict in Marriage Teaches You New Skills The fourth thing that conflict does is that it teaches you new skills when you're in conflict and you can't figure out a solution, right? Like, have you ever been in a conversation with your partner? And it's just like I said, the number two tip that I share, is that conflict makes you shut up, right? There are times, you guys, that conflict will teach you how to approach the problem differently. What do they say the definition of insanity is? Doing the same thing, expecting different results, right? So if you are doing the same thing and you are not getting the results that you want, it's probably time to change it up.  It's teaching you how to deal with the problem differently. Because if you do the same old things, you'll get the same old results. So if yelling and screaming and arguing is not working, which, newsflash, it does not work, then when you're in conflict, you can learn some new skills. Okay, well, maybe the yelling thing isn't really working for us. So what can we do now? What's next? What's new? And you'll learn. Okay, let's do this. I remember Shaun and I were in our mastermind that we did last month with some couples. And Shaun told them a story about how he and I had this disagreement once, and he said, "Hey, Dana, I need to talk to you about something, but I don't want you to respond for 24 hours." You guys, I thought I was going to die! 24 hours without talking is a long time. I like to talk. Okay? So I was like, oh, my gosh, I'm not going to be able to say anything that this man for 24 hours. Now, he didn't mean like, I can't talk to him, but he meant he did not want me to talk about that situation. And I was like, well, what am I supposed to do with 24 hours? Oh, my gosh, I have so many words and so many thoughts. But you know what I did? I thought I thought about what he said. I thought about what I said. I thought about what he meant. I thought about what I should be thinking, and something magical happened in 24 hours, you guys. And it was that my response to Sean was so different 24 hours later than it would have been if I would have given him an answer right away. He's a wise man, isn't he?  There are times in your relationships when you're going to learn a new skill, a new tool. Shaun didn't get that out of a book. It was really spontaneous because he was tired of us dealing with this issue the same old way. So he's like, let's switch it up. Let's do something different. And now that has become one of our favorite go-to tools. When we are in an impasse, when we're dealing with conflict that we really can't get through, it's like, okay, let's come back to this thing in 24 hours. You think about it. I'll think about it. And guess what? In 24 hours, you guys, we almost always reconcile because whatever that thing was isn't even important anymore. We've had so much time to think about what is the real issue and what we're really feeling and what we're really dealing with, that whatever we were upset about, it doesn't matter. Usually in 24 hours. So that might be a tool that you can use in your relationship or when you're in conflict, what is something else that you can do? What's another tool that you can use to bring to that conflict to get a different result? And that is one of the greatest things that conflict teaches us. They teach us or it, I should say, teaches us new skills, new tools.  Conflict in Relationships Shows You Who the Real Enemy Is Number five is that conflict teaches you who the real enemy is. I say this so many times that I feel like a broken record. Your spouse is not the problem. The problem is the problem. You need to look at your spouse, maybe right now if you're with them, or later on when you see them, and tell them you are not the problem. The problem is the problem. When you deal with conflict in your relationship, then you get to realize that, like, my spouse is not my enemy. We are on the same team here. We are together fighting a common enemy. And when you go through conflict, if you're aware and if you're wise enough to understand that, then you can get through anything together because you'll realize that your spouse isn't the problem. Your spouse isn't really the issue. Your spouse is your warrior friend. They really are. I know you might not think of your spouse in that way, but they really are your warrior friend. Even if they're not treating you nicely, even if you guys maybe aren't even talking right now, maybe you're in the middle of a silent treatment right now and you're like, they are not my warrior friend. I do not like them right now. Like, I get it, y'all, I get it. But your spouse is your warrior friend. And so when you can actually go through conflict with them instead of against them, then you realize what the real enemy is. Now, if you are a Christian listening to this podcast, you will know what I'm about to say. The real enemy is the enemy. It is the enemy himself who was out to steal, kill, and destroy, who hates marriage, who hates to see you thrive, who hates to see you win, who wants to destroy your marriage, wants to destroy your family, wants to destroy your legacy, wants to destroy your testimony. He's the real enemy. And what he does is he puts these little smoke and mirrors up in front of us and we begin to think, oh my gosh, I married the wrong person. Oh my gosh, my spouse doesn't love me anymore. Or oh my gosh, I don't love my spouse anymore. I've fallen out of love. Maybe John down the street is better suited for me. Maybe Susie down in the break room is actually who I really need to be with. And that's his play. He's done the same thing since the beginning of time.  A Lesson About Conflict and the Blame Game Adam and Eve and the Garden blamed each other for the very thing that the enemy had caused them to do. So we have got to start getting wise, you all, and stop fighting each other and realize that we have a common enemy. Now, you might be thinking, literally, Dana, is Satan himself really against me and my marriage? Yes. Okay, but there are times that it might not be that deep, right? You might have an enemy that is more tangible or more in your face if you want to put it that way. You could be dealing with, let's say you're just dealing with unforgiveness. Well, unforgiveness is the enemy. It's not your spouse. You could be dealing with an addiction. Well, the addiction is the enemy, not your spouse. Now, that's not a reason to excuse bad behavior and be like, oh, it's not your fault, it's just the enemy. No, we still have to take personal responsibility, right? Because none of us are puppets on a string. We still have free will, we still have choice. But at the end of the day, we do need to understand that there is a real enemy out there who is seeking to devour, who's seeking to devour your marriage. And so when you understand that, then you can start taking your focus off of your spouse as the bad guy or the bad girl, and you can start to look at who's really behind the destruction of your marriage. Y'all, I could do an entire podcast on that alone. It's so important that you understand that fact now because I love you, I'm going to give you a bonus number six reason as to how conflict is actually connection.  Conflict Can Be Great for Make-Up Sex Are you all ready for this one? Conflict helps you to have great makeup sex. I mean, it just does. You know, I was going there. It's true, it's true. Think of all the great makeup sex that you have had in your marriage. It's incredible. You're like, oh my gosh, I haven't talked to my spouse. I haven't touched them because I'm mad at them. And so, like, when their toe grazes my leg in the middle of the night, I snatch my leg away because I don't want them touching me at all. Am I in your house? Does anybody else do that other than me? Am I crazy self, right? It's like when you are in conflict with your spouse, you don't want to be touched, you don't want to connect with them. You don't want to look at them, you don't want to be near them. You're upset with them. And then when you make up, it's like all of that energy has just been like building up, building up, building up. And now you get to release it and the angels sing in heaven and it's glorious. It's amazing. Now, don't go getting on your spouse's nerves just to have great makeup sex. Like, over time, that's going to get old. But should you find yourself in conflict, just understand that in about two or three days, you're going to be great. You're going to be like, oh, okay.  Funny, funny story; I remember. Well, it wasn't funny then, it wasn't funny then at all. It was pretty traumatic. But it's funny now because I'm on the other side of it. I remember Shaun and I had gone through this in-home separation. This is back in crazy, crazy times of our marriage, and we've been through many different crazy cycles. But this particular time we were going to do like this in-home separation because we didn't want the kids to know how bad it was. And so we were in this in-home separation and I was like, don't even think about coming in my room and getting in my bed. We are separated, okay? And so Shaun was like on his nicest behavior. Of course, he's trying to get back in my good graces. And I'm like, no, we're doing this in-home separation thing. And you guys, there was something about just being in the same house with this man. It was like electrical charges were flying all over the place. And I was trying to put on my game face and be strong and be like, you know what? No, we are doing this separation thing. And he was like, hey, can I give you a massage? No, do not touch me. But then it was like two days later, I'd be like, well, maybe just a shoulder massage. That's it, nothing lower, just a shoulder massage. And then like ten minutes later we were like having sex or something. I'm serious. That just is the truth. That's my truth.  That's how it happens. Why am I telling you this? Because when you are married and you go through these seasons of conflict, on the other side of that, it can bring you closer together. It can bring you closer together. Not just sexual intimacy, but emotional intimacy. There is a bond that is created, yes, through sex, that helps the other forms of intimacy in your marriage. So when you're able to look at conflict as this thing is, it's not so scary, it's not so detrimental. It doesn't have to come and destroy your marriage. You don't have to be afraid of it. You don't have to shy away from it. You don't have to pretend that conflict isn't there. You can look at conflict and say, you know what? I am grateful for this conflict because it's going to get us to talking. It's also going to get us to shut up. It's also going to teach me about my partner. It's also going to teach us some new skills. It's also going to teach us who the real enemy is. And then it's also going to help us to have some incredible sex. Conflict is not that scary. So I hope, my friends, that this episode is going to help you the next time you find yourself in conflict to see all the beautiful benefits that can come out of it if you understand that conflict can actually be a support tool for you and your marriage. So that wraps up our episode today. I'm so glad that you are here with us today. I'm so glad that you are a faithful listener of this podcast. And maybe this is your first time. You're like, I ain't a faithful listener. This is my first time. You're going to be a faithful listener now, aren't you? So again, as I stated at the top of the show, I would appreciate it so much, you guys, if you would just take a minute or two and write a podcast review. You can do that on Apple podcast or Spotify and tell everybody you know about this podcast. I love meeting listeners, like I just told you, right here in Virginia Beach in my local area, where people will come up to me that I don't even know and say, I love your show, I love your podcast. That just makes me know that I'm hitting the target. And this is why Ido this, you guys. I do this podcast for you because I want to help you in your marriages. I want to give you some practical tools. I don't want to just show up every week and just talk about nothing. I'm right where you are. I'm building my marriage too. I'm growing my marriage, too. I'm reading the books. I'm going to the conferences. I'm building just like you're building. So let's build together. Let's thrive together. Let's grow together. You can find the show notes of this podcast at realrelationshiptalk.com/episode146, and oh, I can't believe I forgot to say this. A couple of years ago, I think it was in 2021, it may have been 2022, I did an episode called The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. It was episode 88. And if you've never heard of what the Four Horsemen are. You have got to listen to that episode. It's actually John Gottman who's, like, relationship guru extraordinaire. He came up with these four horsemen, these four really detrimental, destructive things coming out of a conflict that will destroy any relationship. So make sure that you listen to that one. Again, it's episode 88. And as we like to end every episode by saying a good relationship is not one that works. A good relationship is one where you put in the work.  Links Mentioned in this Episode: Join the Christian Marriages & Relationships Group on Facebook  Episode 88: The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse Take the "How Connected a Partner Are You? Quiz   SUBSCRIBE | SHARE | RATE | COMMENT To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/ Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

Truth’s Table: Race, Theology & Relationships - with Ekemini Uwan and Dr. Christina Edmonson  Today we are so blessed to have with two midwives of Culture for Grace and Truth, Ekemini Uwan and Dr. Christina Edmonson, of the highly acclaimed and award-winning Truth’s Table Podcast.  I have been listening to their podcast for a couple of years and when Hannah, our podcast editor, reached out to tell me we were going to have them on the show, I could hardly contain my excitement. Truths’ Table is a go-to podcast in the black, Christian community, and has even been featured on Grammy Award Winning Hip-Hop Artist, Lecrae’s album, All Things Work Together. Ekemini Uwan Ekemini and Christina share their much-needed perspectives on politics, race, culture, entertainment, and gender filtered through an accessible yet robust Christian theological framework. Ekemini is a public theologian and also a contributing writer for Hallmark Mahogany (which is my favorite brand of greeting cards by the way). Christianity Today named her among "10 New or Lesser-Known Female Theologians Worth Knowing. Ekemini has appeared on MSNBC, and her insights are quoted by NPR, CNN, The New York Times, The Washington Post, and The New Yorker among other publications. Ekemini is also single and shares her perspective on today’s show on living single. She writes a chapter in the book called Hidden in Plain Sight: A Single Black Woman’s Manifesto. Dr. Christina Edmonson Christina holds a PhD in Counseling Psychology, a Masters degree in Family Therapy, and a Bachelor’s degree in Sociology. She speaks and writes on leadership development, anti-racism, and mental health issues. Christina has been married for over two decades and shares some powerful truths about mutual submission and healthy marriage.  Truths’ Table podcast, featured on Grammy Award Winning Hip-Hop Artist, Lecrae’s album, All Things Work Together and their book called Truth’s Table: Black Women’s Musings on Life, Love, and Liberation has been nominated for the 54th NAACP Image Awards! Get excited!!  Let’s welcome the show Ekemini Oowan and Dr. Christina Edmonson.  Relationships are complex as it is, but adding race to the mix can make things even more challenging. The ladies offer insights that could help us all navigate these relationships more thoughtfully. Colorism and Light-Skinned Privilege One of the most important themes that emerged in the episode was a conversation about colorism in the black community and the importance of acknowledging privilege. Christina spoke candidly about how the lighter-skinned privilege she experiences can lead to resentment and confusion in relationships with other Black women. She also recognized how societal and historical factors have contributed to her privilege, saying "It's hard to recognize my privilege because it feels like denying the pain and experiences of other people.” Dr. Christina Edmondson emphasized that it's important to reflect on our own privileges and how they impact our relationships. For example, she spoke about how Scripture has historically been interpreted primarily by men, and how this can have implications for how women are perceived in relationships. Men often hold positions of power in society and the church, and their hermeneutic might be self-serving in order to gain validation they don't get elsewhere. This conversation around privilege intersects with the topic of colorism, or the bias against people with darker skin tones, which can be especially damaging in relationships between Black men and women. Society has conditioned us to see lighter skin as warmer and kinder, and darker skin as mean and cold. Ekemini spoke about her own experience with colorism, where people have made negative assumptions about her personality or intellect based on the tone of her skin. ALSO LISTEN TO:  Race Conversations 101: How to Have Civil, Compassionate, & Courageous Conversations About Race Submission in Marriage While the conversation around race and privilege can feel heavy, we also offered some practical insights that could help people to navigate relationships more effectively. Since this is a marriage podcast, we had to discuss the concept of submission in relationships. Christina spoke about the fear or discomfort some women may have around the idea of submission, but pointed out that mutual submission in a couple's relationship assumes equity, unlike a hierarchical relationship between a child and parent.  Submission in a couple's relationship requires both partners to lay down preferences, and is ultimately an expression of love. Dating Challenges in the Social Media Age The episode also touched on the challenges of dating, particularly in the age of social media and dating apps. Ekemini spoke candidly about her own experiences, and how she prefers to meet people through mutual connections. However, due to the constraints of modern dating, she also uses dating apps. She is looking for someone who loves God, has good ethics, is kind, and aware of their issues and is willing to grow together. Past Trauma and Relationships Another major topic of the discussion was how past trauma can impact marriages and relationships. The guest speakers emphasized the importance of self-reflection and facing mirrors that show our flaws. Unacknowledged trauma can seep into marriages and cause pain and issues, which is why it's important to name and reconcile any painful experiences. Authentic Conversations about Race At its core, this podcast episode offers a testament to the power of authentic conversations and reflection in relationships. Ekemini and Christina’s genuine friendship is evident throughout the episode, and they come from a place of vulnerability and honesty. It's clear that there are no easy answers when it comes to navigating relationships and race, but by participating in these conversations, we can learn and be challenged in new ways. We're not going to get all the answers in one podcast. We need to keep having these conversations, where people are learning, growing and pushing boundaries. And this is the beginning. As the host of Real Relationship Talk, it is my honor to present and do this important work by fostering conversations around relationships and race that are thoughtful, honest, and vulnerable. By engaging with these conversations and reflecting on our own experiences and privileges, we can all work towards building more loving and understanding relationships, with ourselves and with others. Links Mentioned in this Episode Take the Free "How Connected Are You?" Quiz!  Learn more about Truth's Table    SUBSCRIBE | SHARE | RATE | COMMENT To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/ Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

Confessions of a Crappy Christian - with Blake Guichet  Are you a Christian who struggles with some aspects of the faith? Do you have more questions than answers? Today, I’m talking with Blake Guichet, author and podcast host of Confessions of Crappy Christian, about her story of the deconstruction and reconstruction of her faith. We ask and answer some questions we had and still have about the Christian faith. We also discuss how we, as Christians, need to develop the art of better listening skills, especially when talking to someone about matters we disagree on.  I truly believe we are all capable of honoring others even when disagreeing on values and/or beliefs. There are some “non-negotiables” about the Christian faith that are sacred, like the authority of Jesus Christ and what his death and resurrection signifies. However, there are “minors” that some Christians “major” on that only perpetuate a divide within our own faith and the impending faith of others.  The Curious Christian Blake and I discuss how, as parents, it is very important to allow space for our children to be curious . . . to ask all the questions about the Christian faith we want them to embody. As children, we were both disappointed with a lot of the pat answers we received when we asked real questions about faith, gender roles and rules, and other topics.  That experience taught me to truly listen to my curious children and keep listening to my curious self. The curious Christian is a growing Christian. The day curiosity leaves and replaced with certainty is the day faith is no longer needed. It’s okay to not understand every aspect of the Christian faith. It’s okay to not have all the answers you’re seeking either. Faith is indeed, “the substance of things hoped for; the evidence of things not seen” (Hebrews 11:1).  Deconstruction of Destruction? “A lot of what I feel is happening today isn’t deconstruction but destruction,” Blake said, when I asked about her take on the topic of deconstruction in culture today. She goes on to say that people aren’t necessarily asking questions about faith in order to rebuild what needs to be rebuilt; they are just leveling the whole thing when they don’t understand something. When Blake went through her questioning and deconstructing phase (which is ongoing, by the way), her goal was to extract the inaccuracies she had been taught in order to replenish her faith with what is real and true and still holds. I can attest to this myself.  I am grateful that we serve a God who is not afraid or offended by our questions; who is not moved off his throne by our doubt. He is able to keep what we have committed to him (our hearts) through any and every season (2 Timothy 1:12).    Links Mentioned During This Episode How Connected a Partner Are You? Take the Free Quiz!  Learn more about Blake and Hear Her Podcast    SUBSCRIBE | SHARE | RATE | COMMENT To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.  Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/ Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

Overcoming Father Wounds - with Kia Stephens Fatherlessness is at an all-time high. The pain of growing up without a dad isn’t something that just leaves you. Today, we’re talking with Kia Stephens, author of Overcoming Father Wounds: Exchanging Your Pain for God’s Perfect Love. Kia shares her story of what life was like growing up with an absentee father and the road she walked to forgiveness. You’ve likely heard of daddy-less daughters and fatherless families. But what isn’t often talked about is what is required on the part of the abandoned child (who is likely now an adult) to bring healing and wholeness to their life. Abandonment Breeds Rejection Kia acknowledges the rejection she felt by her father’s abandonment. Without a doubt, abandonment breeds the seed of rejection in our lives. Many grown men and women today are still hurting from the rejection they felt once their dads left. Typically, fathers provide a deeper level of identity and affirmation to a child, so when he is not there, that child is left with wounds that are hard to heal. Kia calls these affirmation wounds, love wounds, and acceptance wounds. But what about moms? Can’t moms fill in the gaps for the gaps absentee fathers leave? Unfortunately, no. Though the role of mom is very important, it’s the covering of a father that most children crave.  Rejection makes us feel unwanted. Kia tells a story of a friend who casually mentioned building a bookshelf with her dad. The pain of that simple story made such an impact on Kia as she realized she would never build anything with her own dad. There would be no camping trips, long conversations, or other “normal” things that many girls that did have their fathers around would experience. And there again, the cycle of rejection is solidified.  Physically Present But Emotionally Absent Maybe your father was physically present but emotionally absent. That can hurt just as bad, and sometimes even worse. If you grew up with a father who was an alcoholic or other kind of addict, emotionally absent, abusive, etc., you likely dealt with the same father wounds. Let this be a charge to the fathers who are still present in the home: proximity doesn’t equal presence. Being present is being fully vested in the relationship: body, mind, and soul.  Forgiveness is the Key The only way to heal the wound of fatherlessness is through forgiveness. Kia talks about the process she had to walk through to forgive her father. And hear me, forgiveness is not optional. I know that it’s hard, but forgiveness is not just for the other person, but ultimately for you. When you forgive, you set yourself free from the shame, the pain, the loss, the sorrow, the anger, and the need to retaliate. You become free even if/when the other person can’t or won’t acknowledge what they did to you. Kia was encouraged to write a forgiveness latter: basically a letter “getting it all out there.” The caveat is that you don’t actually send the letter to the person who harmed you (in this case, your father), but you use it as a powerful tool of asserting your feelings, thoughts, and emotions. Again, forgiveness is for you.  ALSO LISTEN TO: The Power of Forgiveness: Release Them, Restore You    There’s much more to this episode! Be sure to listen to the episode in full.    Links Mentioned in this Episode Get Kia’s book Overcoming Father Wounds  Learn more about Kia at kiastephens.com.  How Connected of a Partner Are You? Take the Free Quiz! SUBSCRIBE | SHARE | RATE | COMMENT To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/ Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

Overcoming Living with an Emotionally Absent Spouse - with Beatriz Vargas Do you know what it’s like to feel emotionally disconnected from your spouse because he/she is emotionally absent? The pain of that kind of disconnection is real, and it’s far too common. Joining us on this episode is Beatriz Vargas, host of The Grace-Fueled Wife Podcast, who shares the story of how her husband walked out on their marriage after being emotionally disconnected and how their marriage was restored afterward.  What Defines an Emotionally Absent Spouse? What actually defines an emotionally absent spouse? In Beatriz’s case, her husband had all but checked out on the marriage. They were living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed, but were totally disconnected. Other disconnected marriages might involve the majority of the communication centering around the logistics of the marriage but lacking intimacy in the marriage. What defines an emotionally distant marriage to you? Change Can Cause Disconnection We all know change is important to a healthy marriage, but sometimes when one spouse changes too quickly or too drastically, it can cause disconnection in the marriage. Say one spouse loses an incredible amount of weight and quite literally become a new person. If their spouse isn’t 100 percent on board with this change, it can cause emotional distance and reveal hidden jealousies, fears, and insecurities.  In Beatriz’s case, she talks about a time when she began to grow spiritually. Her husband didn’t grow at the same pace as she did, so she stepped in and decided to “hook him up” with some Christian men she thought could help him. That backfired, and her husband seemed to withdraw all the more. I had a similar experience with Shaun. You’ll have to listen to the episode to hear that story, but suffice it to say we probably shouldn’t make “playdates” for our spouses . . . especially when they are already emotionally disconnected.  Be sure to listen to the full episode and be encouraged that even if there is emotional distance in your marriage, you can overcome!    Links Mentioned in this Episode:  The Grace-Fueled Wife Podcast  How Connected of a Partner Are You? Take the Free Quiz!    SUBSCRIBE | SHARE | RATE | COMMENT To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.    Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/ Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

She Deserves Better: Overcoming Toxic Teachings About Sex - with Sheila Gregoire Did you grow up believing what you now realize was toxic teaching on sex? Maybe your church, youth group, or family told you that as a girl you were somehow responsible for the lust of men. Yep. We’re going there. Joining us on today’s episode is popular author and speaker, Sheila Gregoire, who co-wrote the book She Deserves Better.  Sheila and I talk about some of the toxic teachings on sex that the evangelical church (and other entities) promoted. Some of these teachings include things like, “Boys will be boys,” and “Girls are a stumbling block for men,” which in a sense is teaching men that they are not responsible for their own lust, but girls are. We also talk about how parents, moms especially, can shift the conversation from blaming young women for the sexual advances and inappropriateness of others.   Toxic Teaching on Sex Can Be Triggering   As you listen, you may be triggered by some of the toxic teaching on sex, especially if you were hurt by adults you trusted. This podcast is not meant to stir up those feelings, but it is meant to be a breath of fresh air that we no longer have to repeat these teachings to our daughters (or sons!). She deserves better, and so do you.  It’s time we start telling the truth about modesty, purity, lust, and sin. It’s time we put the responsibility back on those in whom it belongs. It’s time we start living in the freedom that Christ gives and not allowing ourselves to be “under a yoke of bondage” (Galatians 5:1). Does this mean we should throw modesty and purity out of the window? Absolutely not. It means that we learn to have the right conversations and we teach a balanced, biblical, and honest view of sexuality and its expressions.  Be sure to listen to the full episode and be ready to rethink how you’ve believed or how you believe.      Links Mentioned in this Episode  Register for the Thrive Marriage Mastermind Get Sheila’s Book: She Deserves Better  Listen to Sheila’s Podcast Episode 24: Rethinking Intimacy: Rethinking Sex with Sheila Gregoire   SUBSCRIBE | SHARE | RATE | COMMENT To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.        Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/ Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

Overcoming Unrealistic Expectations in Marriage   In this episode, we discuss the unrealistic expectations that people have in their marriages. You should have expectations in relationships, but it is important to learn how to manage and overcome unrealistic expectations. You've likely heard, "No expectations, no disappointments," but I think that's a terrible way to live in a marriage. What are your expectations? What are you looking for?  We will explore where these expectations come from and whether they are realistic or not. Also, we'll talk about the importance of communicating your expectations to your partner. Unrealistic vs Reasonable Expectations We'll start by discussing the difference between unrealistic and reasonable expectations. Often, people have expectations that are unrealistic, and that leads to disappointment and frustration. For example, expecting your spouse to be your best friend or provide a beautiful home may be reasonable but is it a realistic expectation for him/her? It's important to examine where these expectations come from and whether they are truly important to you or not. Where Do Expectations Come From? Next, we'll explore where these expectations come from. Expectations can come from a variety of sources such as family of origin, religious beliefs, media, culture, personal desires, and other people's expectations. We'll take a closer look at the expectations that are rooted in religious beliefs or cultural norms and whether they are realistic or not. Again, what might be realistic for one spouse may be unrealistic for another. ALSO LISTEN TO: Setting Realistic Expectations in Your Marriage Communicating Your Expectations In this segment, we'll discuss the importance of communicating your expectations to your spouse. Often, people have unspoken expectations, assuming their partner should know what they want. However, unspoken expectations can lead to disappointment and frustration. I'll provide some tips on how to effectively communicate your expectations and ensure that both partners are on the same page. 5 Common Unrealistic Expectations I share about five unrealistic expectations that people often have in their marriages. These include expecting your spouse not to change, thinking you can change your spouse, expecting your spouse to make you happy, assuming your spouse should know what you're thinking, and expecting your spouse to be like you. How can spouses overcome these unrealistic expectations in their marriage? We'll discuss why these expectations are unrealistic and how to reframe them to create more realistic expectations. Finally, I share several solutions to overcoming unrealistic expectation in your marriage and how your marriage can benefit from proper communication, Remember, unspoken expectations can lead to unmet desires, which leads to unnecessary disappointment.  Links Mentioned in this Episode: Sign up for our FREE Thrive Marriage Mastermind Workshop! How to Create a Vision for Your Marriage   SUBSCRIBE | SHARE | RATE | COMMENT To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/ Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

Overcoming Separation, Infidelity, & Dysfunction in Marriage - with Joseph & Madelyn Stallings   Welcome to this episode of our podcast where we're joined by Joseph and Madelyn Stallings, who have graciously agreed to share their journey through infidelity, separation, and marital dysfunction with us today. Joseph and Madelyn have known each other since childhood, and on today's show, they talk about their journey towards a more healthy and thriving marriage, despite the numerous hurdles they've faced along the way. The Importance of Premarital Counseling We start by discussing how they met and their premarital counseling experience. Like Shaun and me, the Stallings have known each other since childhood. Joseph’s parents did their premarital counseling, but he doesn't recommend this. Neither do I, because couples tend to not be forthcoming when a family member (especially parents) are facilitating their pre-marital counseling. ALSO SEE: Why Should I Get Premarital Counseling?  We delve deeper into the importance of premarital counseling and how it can help couples overcome childhood wounds and trauma that can seep into their marriage. An Unexpected Result of their Separation The Stallings experienced several separations in their marriage: some lasting for just a few months, and the longest over a year. Then, quite unexpectedly, Madelyn gets pregnant. She shares her experience of becoming pregnant with someone else's child while she and Joseph were separated, and how they worked through the emotions of it all. Only by God’s grace were they able to reconcile and work through the pain of that choice.  Disconnection Leaves You Vulnerable to Infidelity We talk about the importance of staying connected and avoiding disconnection, which really makes your marriage vulnerable to infidelity. As Joseph puts it, "You can't let your emotions drive, but you can't put them in the back trunk either.” Basically, don’t allow your emotions to run your relationship, but withholding how you’re truly feeling only leads to disconnection in your marriage. After their last separation, things began to take a turn for the worst again, and this time it was Joseph who was unfaithful. Joseph shares his story of having an affair and the steps they took to heal and move forward. We discuss the importance of understanding the real source of pain and how it can help couples to stop hurting each other and to find the real source of their healing. Through their journey, Joseph and Madelyn have learned the importance of honesty, transparency, forgiveness, and communication. They remind us that marriages can truly endure more than we imagine, but through God’s grace, forgiveness, and  a lot of “heart work,” we can make them work. Thank you for tuning in to this episode, and we hope you find it insightful and helpful in your own journey towards a healthy and thriving marriage.   SUBSCRIBE | SHARE | RATE | COMMENT To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/ Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

Overcoming Fear in Marriage   Introduction: Welcome to this week's episode of our podcast, where we explore the topic of fear and how it affects marriages. Fear is a natural reaction to the unknown, but it can also be debilitating and prevent us from fully experiencing intimacy in marriage. Today we'll discuss how fear can be the root of all intimacy problems in marriage and how to overcome it. Segment 1: Fear - Fear is not all bad. It can be a warning sign that something is wrong, and it can motivate us to take action. However, fear can also immobilize us and prevent us from taking risks or trying new things in our marriage. We need to learn to distinguish between healthy and unhealthy fear and understand how to respond appropriately. Segment 2: Courage - One of the best definitions I've heard for courage is choosing to act in spite of fear. Courage isn't the absence of fear. If you never feel fear, there is no need for courage, actually. We need to learn to face our fears and push through them. It takes courage to be vulnerable in a relationship, to risk being hurt, and to trust our spouse. Segment 3: There are different fears in relationships, including the fear of being hurt, the fear of rejection, the fear of being made a fool of, the fear of your spouse cheating on you, the fear of losing yourself in your marriage, the fear of losing control, and the fear of being fully known, amongst others. These fears will lead to intimacy problems in marriage if not addressed. Segment 4: How to Get Rid of Fear: To overcome fear, we need to acknowledge that it's there and not hide or deny it. We can ask ourselves, "What's the worst that can happen?" Then, prepare for the worst-case scenario. We can also "trust in the Lord" (Proverbs 3:5-6) and renew our minds with His word, worship, and our words. Conclusion: Fear can be the root of all intimacy problems in marriage. But by acknowledging our fears, facing them with courage, and trusting in the Lord, we can overcome them and experience deeper intimacy in our relationships. As Psalm 34:4-5 says, "I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame."   Links Mentioned in this Episode: Ep. 14 - How These Hidden Fears are Ruining Your Relationships  Get Your FREE e-book: 5 Relationship Mistakes that are Wrecking Your Life: danache.com/relationshipmistakes    SUBSCRIBE | SHARE | RATE | COMMENT To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/ Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.